Carry On
by bonbonpich
Summary: *CH5 UPDATED*KuroKura. Sequel to 'The Sun also Shines at Night.' Kurapika doubted if the path that he'd chosen to go with Kuroro was a right one. With the ghost of his past haunting him, and Kuroro's advances, Kurapika was drove to the edge of losing himself.
1. Chapter 1 Not so Typical Day

Title:** Carry On**

By:** bonbonpich**

**Disclaimer:** Hunter x Hunter belongs to Yoshihiro Togashi-sensei.

**Summary:** KuroKura. Sequel to 'The Sun also Shines at Night.' Kurapika doubted if the path that he'd chosen to go with Kuroro was a right one. With the ghost of his past haunting him, and Kuroro's advances, Kurapika was drove to the edge of losing himself.

**Chapter 1 Not so Typical Day **

_x_

_It was unlike anything in the world;_

_A disaster, a tragedy, yet from it had come the world he knew and loved._

_x_

Sunday mornings had officially become his time to be lazy. The soft cushion was amazingly comfy for him, it wasn't everyday that he gets to sleep in an actual bed. The temperature in the atmosphere was just right. His sleep was dreamless. Kurapika wanted to sleep, but…his mind grumbled, _'Must there always be a hand that keeps bugging me!?'_

A smirk formed on Kuroro's lips. For him, it was a never ending amusement to watch the boy's expression switch from one to another, even in his sleep. He brushed the back of his hand against Kurapika's cheek. "Wake up."

"Nuu," the sleeping boy mumbled as he unconsciously pushed the bothering hand away.

A soft chuckle escaped Kuroro.

How things had changed. Three months ago, Kurapika would have bolted awake with only so much as a light nudge. Then again, three months ago, Kuroro himself would have used the other way around to wake the boy.

"Kurapika."

As soon as Kuroro called again, the thin blanket flew wildly, missing Kuroro's face by an inch. When the sheet settled back on the bed due to the law of gravity, it revealed the boy's angry, wide awake face. "Kuroro! Why can't you just let me sleep!?" His words were biting, but his tone was clear of ill intention.

"Because it's already 11am." Kuroro closed his eyes and smiled almost as brightly as the sun that was shining behind the thin curtains on the window of their room."

Green, sleepy eyes narrowed in annoyance. "It's Sunday."

"It's 11."

"Gah!"

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Time sure flew by quickly for Kurapika. There was no turning back, no undoing the decision he'd made, the path he'd chosen. Every day he'd faced was a bit better. He'd gotten used to living with the Genei Ryodan, especially when he only had to deal with half of the Spiders because Shalnark, Phinx, Feitan, Shizuku, and Bonorenof were still in NGL to eliminate the intruders, Chimera Ants.

Kurapika was aware of the fact that they went there after receiving a request from the committee to help stop the attack. After the whole ordeal of him being captured by the Mafia and Kuroro coming for him, the man had wanted to go to NGL to back his comrades up. But Phinx and the others confirmed that they could handle it alone.

So that left only Machi, Franklin, Nobunaga, Coltopi, and…Hisoka.

As for the reason that Hisoka still stuck around, Kurapika mused that it was because his fight with Kuroro hadn't been satisfying. The hungry look on his face was still there whenever he set his eyes on Kuroro. But Kurapika never knew, and Kuroro didn't say anything either.

The day when the two had fought at god knows where, Kurapika had waited at the living quarters. At the time, one part of him believed that Kuroro was better off dead by the maniac's hands. Another part of him hoped Kuroro didn't die, since Kurapika himself wanted to be the one to kill him. And another part of him had hoped for something else, something completely different.

At last, Kuroro made it back, injured. Kurapika wasn't sure if he was glad or sad, but he'd tended the man's wounds._ 'I shouldn't have done that_,' he always thought. Yet he never regretted what he did.

Kurapika sighed. _How he had become such a contradictor?_

When he made it down to the hall, most of the Spiders didn't acknowledge him. But that was just the way they were, even to themselves. They wouldn't waste a breath unless they had something to say. At the moment, things were no longer more than he could handle. Even Nobunaga now seemed to do a lot less than sending a daggered-glare at Kurapika. After all, with Kuroro's urging, Kurapika had led them to where Ubogin died, and had given him a proper burial.

Things were bound to get better, despite the situation Kurapika was in. Somehow, he managed to maintain his job as a black list hunter, traveling around and taking down criminals. While he carried out that profession, he had a chance to be away from Kuroro. Kuroro, on the other hand, no longer said anything when the boy wanted to be out of his line of sight. They had come to terms.

However, one of Kurapika's main goals in life, which was recovering his clan's eyeballs, unavoidably required Kuroro. Without him, Kurapika wouldn't have found 5 pairs of eyes so far, including the ones Kuroro gave him the day he was forced to join the Ryodan. The man had kept his word, and he was still keeping it.

The two did a lot of journeying from one city to another, while the Spider members tagged along. It seemed to Kurapika that they were still worried about their leader, and their plan was to stick together until the rest of the Spiders came back and they could see what their opinions were.

Yet, Kurapika still felt restless, although he'd been regaining his clan's eyeballs at a rate he'd never been able to do alone. Worst of all, Kurapika felt that he was swaying off the track. Five years ago, he swore in front of the graves of all of the Kurutas that he would get revenge. In order to do that, he'd become a hunter to pursue the Genei Ryodan. But now, all he did was take down other criminals while squandering away his time with Spiders.

He wasn't sure about this path he was walking.

A soft knock thudded against his head, bringing him back from dark thoughts. He looked up, already knowing who it was. Kuroro had a habit of putting a book on his head whenever he was consumed by gloomy contemplations.

"The book that you wanted," Kuroro said.

"Is it stolen?" asked Kurapika.

"Bought."

"Bought with the money from where?"

The conversation ended when Kuroro shoved the book in the boy's hands and returned to his seat, leaving the boy to '_hey!'_ him, but unable to do anything.

Someone in the hall sighed loudly. It was Nobunaga. "Same old phrase."

"Just because Danchou knows if it's stolen, Kurapika won't touch it," Machi commented.

"The last time he knew it was stolen, he'd tried to return it to the owner," Franklin recalled.

"What a troublesome kid," the swordsman crossed his arms over his chest as he observed the Kuruta and his leader across the hallway. "And Danchou…really bought a book for him!?"

"It's from the stolen money anyways," Franklin responded.

Nobunaga clasped his own face, "But still, why does Danchou have to please him?"

They fell into the same silence Coltopi constantly exuded; the diminutive man never contributed himself in anything unless he had to.

"Ha ha ha."

But someone just loved to contribute himself in the strangest way.

Machi, Nobunaga, and Franklin glanced across the hall, where Hisoka sat on the far end on the stacks of boxes. He always liked to sit in a place that gave him the bird's eye view. Lowering his head enough to peek through one gap of the Pyramid cards, he riddled, "You guys just don't get it, do you?"

When his comrades made a face, he took it as a request to elaborate. Smiling broadly, he craned his neck to look at Kurapika and Kuroro who were engaged in reading, either not totally aware or just not caring that they were being talked about. Hisoka shifted his eyes back to his comrades and was about to spread his hands fully to the sides. "It's lur-" His movement accidentally brushed one of the cards, and like Domino effects, the whole stack crumbled down entirely.

There was a quiet moment where Hisoka didn't finish his sentence and stared at his ruined creation. Soon after, he went back to start rebuilding it as if he'd never left its attention.

"Does the maniac know something that we don't?" asked Nobunaga airily.

Too bad for him, among them, he was the only one oblivious with what had been going on.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

As days passed by:

It was a typical day, one in which Kurapika overheard the bloody conversation between the members of Spiders, who were sharing the illustrations of how they killed. The missing members had now returned. Shalnark, Phinx, Feitan, Shizuku and Bonorenof arrived the other day after their businesses at NGL was done with.

Nothing could be more typical than this.

It all started with a simple, "So I ripped his guts open and let him die in the sun." It was Phinx and Feitan who were filling in their comrades who had missed the showdown in NGL.

It pulled on Kurapika's nerves.

For the last three months, there had been no big plans. And what had held Kurapika stable was what he discovered; the fact that whenever the big raiding plans were given, it was up to Kuroro whether to allow his comrades the permission to kill or not. And more often than not, killing wasn't necessary. In the past, Kuroro hadn't really specified whether to kill or not, so most of the Spiders had taken the matter into their own hands. After all, the only person who actually enjoyed killing the most, Ubogin, was now dead.

But here and now, with Phinx and Feitan around, history seemed to be repeating itself.

"Phinx, Feitan, what did I say about your _mundane _conversation when Kurapika is around?" Kuroro inserted before anyone could say or do anything.

Surprised, Kurapika waited.

"Not to illustrate our killing when the kid is around." Phinx answered, scratching the back of his head. "But I didn't know that he was there!"

Kuroro sighed. It was true. Kurapika had a tendency to hide himself in the shadow, whereas Spider members always said whatever they wanted to say outright. Then Kuroro felt a glare from Kurapika, and he looked back. "Yes?"

"Not talking about it in front of me doesn't change the fact that the Spiders still kill people. Brutally," Kurapika directed to the man.

Shalnark had to step in, "Come on, Kurapika. The guys they were talking about. They weren't even human. They were killing our people, turning them into their monster slaves. Consider it like our jobs because Ryuuseigai's committee requested our help." Shalnark smiled, but it turned awkward when Kurapika spared him a glare in response.

Between him and Shalnark there was an issue. Kurapika once had an impression that Shalnark was the most amiable and sincere person among the Spiders. But he was the one who came up with the plan of lying to him about being hired by Mafia to kill the Kurutas. But then again, Kurapika knew more than anything that Kuroro's comrades would do anything to save their leader's life.

Moreover, he understood perfectly that half of the Spiders had left, solely for the purpose of saving their people, one way or another. Then they came back, even though Kuroro didn't require them for anything, just so they could see their leader safe and sound again. The situation hadn't changed much from back then when Kuroro had returned to them, in an imperfect situation, caused by Kurapika's nen that remained rooted.

"Well, I guess we'll lay low for a while, until the job comes…or something." Phinx whistled.

'_A…job?' _Reflected Kurapika as his eyes shifted between Phinx and Shalnark. "A job? You called that a job?"

"Well…isn't it obvious? What we do for a living is our job." Nobunaga said with a sour tone, wanting the Kuruta to shut up. Of all the people, he'd been the second one who had undergone the most of Kurapika's ethical lecture.

The holder of the first place was Kuroro.

"Why don't you guys-" Kurapika began in a low tone as his face lowered a bit. His expression obscured by the curtain of his hair, which was now a little longer.

"Kurapika," called Kuroro as he got up and with a few long strides, he was by the boy's side, placing a restraining hand on the boy's shoulder. Just when Kurapika snapped his head up, revealing eyes almost red, and finished what he'd meant to say.

"-get a DECENT job!?"

His shout, or rather the content of his words, sent the room into silence.

"A…decent….job?" Shizuku trailed off. She turned to Franklin, as usual. "What does he mean by that?"

"A decent job…" Franklin's thick eyebrow furrowed, "…as in a decent job?"

Someone burst out laughing. It was Phinx. But he was just a starter. Soon, Hisoka and Feitan followed with chuckles. Then Shalnark and Franklin tagged along. Among them, Nobunaga's laughter was the loudest, too loud for Kurapika to even to think what the heck was so funny.

Phinx's eyes rolled at no one in particular while he laughed his guts off. He ended up with Shalnark in his vision. He poked a finger, "I picture you being a technician! The world today needs your skills!"

Said technician laughed back, "You could probably be an Egypt historian. Ha ha ha." His eyes then strayed to Shizuku. "Shizuku would make a good housekeeper with her Deme-chan for sure, don't you think?"

The bookworm girl jabbed a finger at herself. "If I'm a house keeper, then," she pointed to Franklin, "He could be a Hollywood actor in Frankenstein."

"And Machi could sit and sew clothes, or she could even be a sergeant!" Nobunaga chimed in, and disregarded her glower.

Kurapika fumed, _this isn't supposed to be humor!_ These people had no sense of morals or whatsoever! Beside him, he sensed something worse, Kuroro's chuckle was louder than any other time. In fact, it was more like a whole-hearted laughter. Even his comrades, more than half of them, wore a surprised look for their leader's reaction. After Kuroro smoothed back into his usual self, he said to Kurapika, "I'd probably like to go for being a librarian," which didn't help Kurapika at all.

"Kuroro!!!" the boy grabbed the man's lapel.

Raising both hands up, an act of surrender, Kuroro smiled, "Relax, kid. It's not like I'm really serious about that." Brushing Kurapika's hand off, he retreated to his seat.

He only aggravated the situation.

While Kurapika's face almost reached the boiling point, Shalnark asked, particularly addressing Machi and Franklin, "I see Danchou still teases Kurapika. Have they been like this since we left?"

"Always," Machi said as Franklin nodded.

Shalnark watched as Kurapika shouted and yelled, probably destroying Kuroro's eardrum. He even went as far as following the man to his seat.

"You're the cause! You're their leader! You're supposed to be responsible! You-"

"For your information, Shal, this will go on forever. I suggest you go get lunch or something, it's almost twelve," Nobunaga said as he headed from the room. Most of the Spiders walked away as well from the scene to do something else instead of watching the Kuruta bicker.

Kurapika was indulged in scolding the hell out of Kuroro, but if he noticed Kuroro's eyes gazing up at him in a strange way, he couldn't care less. It was a typical day. Him, yelling his head off, and Kuroro would soon order him to shut up, or clap a hand across his mouth. But Kuroro couldn't ever really stop him.

What Kurapika hadn't expected, had never expected was to be maneuvered down to the man's sitting level. Then his rant was cut short by Kuroro's lips upon his.

The room lapsed into silence once again. This time, it seemed that no one was going to burst out laughing. Instead a whistle sounded, it was still Phinx who took the liberty of doing so as he said, "Finally Danchou discovered an effective way to shut the kid up."

The day hadn't been so typical after all.

_To be continued_

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

So I was told a lot that there weren't much interactions between KuroKura in TSASAN, so here they are. I guess this fic could probably be a bit off, at least in my opinion, for it would look like they jump from being enemy to something else. At first, I was thinking about including some small interactions that would bond them, but my ability is limited to. Because those interactions I have in mind are scattered bits and pieces, I have no idea how to put all of them in one single story. So I'd go for drabbles in a separate fic later on, it'd be easier for me. That way, I can continue to write some KuroKura even if I finished this or 'Sunshine.' Since I came back for writing this, it didn't happen often that I came back for something that my interest was ran out.

I just got back in writing; I might be a bit rusty. But at the moment I'm so up to this so I kind of hurry things through for the fear of this mood to write would fade away like it did before. Most likely, I'd update this sooner than I did with TSASAN. Like usual, if you see something uncanny, let me know, be it your opinion or what not.

Title was taken from HxH's music, again! First two lines are from some book i can't remember, if anyone knows, pls tell me.


	2. Chapter 2 Approaching Nightmare

Sorry for the slow update. Good news, well, I updated. Bad news? No beta! Honestly I have problem with this kind of stuffs. Once I'm gone for a while, I seem to lose touch with everything.

As of now, I'm greatly distracted by KHR, but HxH is kind of my 'good-old-feelings' so I'll keep it up. Thanks for the reviews and patience folks!

**Chapter 2 Approaching Nightmare**

It was below zero in Melb Urban. The shabby construction that the 12 people were in failed to serve as a decent shelter. Well, for one of them at least.

"The heater is dead," Kuroro said as he brought himself into the room where Kurapika cocooned under the mountain of thin useless blankets, unable to sleep. Kuroro took notice of how the boy curled onto himself but reacted otherwise when he stepped in. "You sure you're okay?" If there were times that Kuroro berated himself, this time would be one of those. He should have gotten some winter clothes suitable in this kind of weather for Kurapika, but he had overlooked it. Basic human necessities never really occur to him since he was beyond ordinary and could endure almost everything. Kurapika, while he was a few exception of norms, was still much closer to human being than Kuroro did.

"I said I'm fine. You don't have to trouble yourself over it," Kurapika repeated what he had been saying for the last ten minutes. Whether the Genei Ryodan leader didn't hear him (which was quite impossible) or chose to ignore it.

"Still can't sleep, I see," Kuroro stated as he closed the door and meandered over to settle himself in his bed. He waited, expected the boy to say something, but Kurapika kept himself shut. A month back, Kurapika had been able to sleep before Kuroro, so that problem was ruled out. The only thing that kept him from sleeping now was - "Too cold to sleep?" he started again.

"I'm fine. _Please_ shut up so I can sleep," the boy ground out.

"Probably you haven't noticed. But you're trembling like a little kitten out in the cold-"

"Shut up!"

"You're grumpy."

"Why wouldn't I be!?" Kurapika bolted up, glaring at Kuroro across from the dimly lit room.

For a moment, Kuroro was sure he saw a flash of red across the Kuruta's eyes. The boy's eyes hadn't turned red at this kind of petty thing that Kuroro said for a lot lately, this time however it did.

He was well aware that it had to do with what he did to Kurapika in the late morning.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

X

When he pulled back, he didn't let go of Kurapika's hand and continued to take in the expression on the boy's face, he always did. It took the boy a while to regain his senses. His eyes looked at Kuroro and strayed to the other occupants in the room. He actually heard them leave (which was good) but not all of them had left (which was bad).

His instinct was correct. Shalnark, Phinx, and Hisoka were there, with different kinds of funny smiles on their faces. Kurapika could have burst to death with shame should all the Ryodan were still there. Three people were already bad enough. To top those of, Kuroro had actually done it.

Lost of what to do and for the heck that just happened, Kurapika fled the scene as soon as he swapped his hand free from Kuroro, leaving the man to stare after him with an amused smile plastered on his face.

"You're not going to follow him?" Shalnark asked an uncanny question. When his leader cut him a look, he rubbed the back of his neck, "Well, I don't know much about this thing, but according to the…er…book, shouldn't it be that way?"

Kuroro half smirked, half smiled, closing his eyes. "I'm sure he'd need some time alone."

Gone for the rest of the day, Kurapika had only come back when the sky started to turn dark. At least he was still mindful that the weather in Melb Urban would roll crazy after sundown.

At the foot of the door, Kuroro waited. When he was about to open his mouth to say something, Kurapika threatened in his most intimidating voice, "Don't mention anything about _it_, unless you prefer your head pulls off."

Kurapika went on like nothing ever happened.

X

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kurapika had been cranky since then.

What he had done one-sidedly, it seemed that Kurapika wanted to let it go but Kuroro didn't. Kurapika wasn't someone who could forget about his past, it wouldn't bring him here if he did. And Kuroro preferred him being that way. _Then why not now? _

The boy dug himself under the blankets again in order to escape Kuroro's searching eyes.

Minutes later still found Kurapika trying to sleep. Above his blankets, he heard sounds of movement. _'Now what is he up to? Is he going to wake Shalnark up to fix the heater or something!?'_Hassle was the last thing he needed, he hated to be the only burden here. When he was about to shove the blankets away to tell the man off, the blankets were pulled open by Kuroro himself. Kurapika looked up, surprised. "Wha-?"

He didn't finish, not even having begun to say when Kuroro bent down, and slid himself under Kurapika's blankets casually, as if it were the most natural thing to do on earth.

Flabbergasted, Kurapika was rendered mute while Kuroro adjusted himself on the bed that wasn't his own. After what seemed like a painstaking mental effort of preventing his soul to leave his body due to cardiac arrest, Kurapika backed against the wall, and he managed in tensed tone, "What the hell…do you think you're doing?" His face looked ready to kill _someone_…in particular.

Shifting his gaze to a stiffed Kuruta, Kuroro said, "You wouldn't be able to sleep in this cold." The man laid one arm on Kurapika's pillow and another pointing to the little empty space where the boy had occupied earlier, "Come here."

"Very funny, Kuroro," the boy said in a not very funny tone.

"If it's too small, I'll drag my bed over-"

"That's not it! What the _heck_ are you thinking!?"

The Spider leader blinked; genuinely taken aback, or so it seemed. "I'm thinking that it's too cold for you to sleep, you should _come_ here." No sooner than he finished he hoisted himself up a bit enough to reach and pulled the boy down to his arms. Kuroro swore he heard the faintest sound of chains. He was more than accustomed to it whenever it would appear, he'd know. But the actual chain wasn't conjured. He searched the boy's face, and there was nothing.

Yet, nothing. Kurapika's face was completely blank.

_Was that the impending doom he saw coming?_ Kuroro said no more. At a time like this, he felt no more like joking, given that his thoughts took on a serious turn once he had the boy in his arms.

As for Kurapika, too shock to utter a word. However, his mind did register one thing: warmth. That would make him look at the man in different light since he always perceived Kuroro to be cold, mentally and physically. His hands were cold for the fact. Kurapika never even thought that Kuroro was technically human. But now it was different. A minute earlier he felt as cold as ice, but now Kuroro was providing him with the only one source of warmth.

_Something so human…_

It had been 5 years since he'd last been hold by someone. Having forgotten how it felt and suddenly feeling it again was too overwhelming…too comforting.

Still, this was the Spider he was talking about…

When the boy started to fret, Kuroro's arms tightened onto the smaller form. "Kurapika, you don't want to freeze to death." The boy went still. "I'm not joking; it's too cold for you. This is just for today…and maybe, tomorrow night, it could be hot as hell, that's when I'll leave you to yourself because you probably have to strip." Kuroro spoke between chuckle, ignored the boy's glower, and a few minutes after what was said and done, he went to sleep.

'_What…the…heck…'_Kurapika grumbled inaudibly. Kuroro hadn't changed; he fell asleep so quick like a kid. _'Now what to do…'_He had two options, whether to push Kuroro away and risk freezing to death, or sleep with the enemy and live. Such dilemma made him feel stupid and out of place. The only fact that he still allowed himself to still be in this position was because so many things had happened between them.

Although Kurapika never really knew for sure what place he stood for Kuroro. Other than Kuroro had made it clear that he no longer wanted him dead, nor his abilities or what not, Kurapika knew nothing else of the man's intention. He himself held onto one and only reason for his stay, was to regain all of his clan's eyes, and to prevent his friends from getting hurt.

_Did Kuroro have to be this way to him?_ He wasn't considered as Spider nor was he related to Kuroro. Just two people being bound to each other. Kurapika wished he could ignore it, but he couldn't…the fact that Kuroro had been treating him as if he were an exceptional from all else. Once, Kuroro had stated that it was because he was the last Kuruta. Kurapika didn't know sometimes the man could wield such a dim-witted reason. _As if he cared back then when he first learned the last Kuruta survivor was hunting him down._

For one thing, Kuroro didn't like putting his motives into words, he couldn't explain his reasons all the time. Yet, from the words that got around his comrades and how Kurapika had seen things happening himself, he had become something _much_ more than just a mere last Kuruta to Kuroro.

One question at the back of his mind which stood above any other questions in the world resurface…_was he doing the right thing?_

"Sleep, tomorrow we can start looking into Kuruta eyes' whereabouts again." Kuroro mumbled all of the sudden, and went back to sleep.

Kurapika blinked. The man always seemed to know when his thought turned dark, and interrupted, even in his sleep. _Was he doing that for Kurapika or for himself?_ He sighed, and looked at the sleeping man, who had let his guard down entirely. Living with the spiders only brought more questions.

Questions he couldn't answer.

At last, Kurapika decided that it'd be best just to take a rest. Retrieving his clan's flame-colored eyes had never been easy, he would need strength. And it wasn't every day that Kuroro would initiate the matter, he wouldn't miss the chance.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

X

_Blood…_

_Dead Kuruta bodies….with the dark hollow in their empty sockets._

_Spiders…_

Three major elements that of his nightmare. Everytime, the nightmare led to the same ending: he, alone, as their last hope, swore vengance in front of his fellow Kurutas' graves. Aside from that, things were just tidbits and pieces of other recollections, both good and bad, which never had much effect on his foremost nightmare.

This time, it was different.

He was in front of their graves, saying something that he himself couldn't hear. The gravestones of the Kurutas' moved, every single one of them. Crawling out of the soil were the bodies. Slowly, they rose up to stand crookedly on the soil. After one body, there came another and another. Their body sloshed, their faces littered with dirt, and something that never changed, their sockets hollowed. All the Kurutas body edged themselves toward Kurapika who remained frozen to the spot.

The feelings hit his five senses. The sight of the death bodies, the foul stench of corpses that served nothing but the urge to vomit, the bitterness mixed with coppery taste of blood in his mouth, the sloshing sounds and disturbing noises, the tension in the air that weighted down upon his body. The very sensation that he was nailed to the spot, unable to move, while all the corpses meandered towards him.

His eyes turned bright red with awful anticipation. Somehow, he _knew_…he knew why he had woken the death of this people. They were far from restless, more than they ever did in five years that they had been massacred.

Before Kurapika could scream, he heard the dreadful voices of his people, saying something he'd fear the most…

"…."

X

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His eyes snapped open form his sleep. For a split second, Kurapika's mind was completely blank. It then slowly processed the cause that he'd broken from his sleep and felt the throbbing pain in his head. But he couldn't remember what made him feel disarrayed. But the fact that he didn't bolt awake as usual was some relief. _Whatever it was; it couldn't have been that bad._

Yet, he couldn't recall what nightmare he'd just had.

"Hey."

Kurapika jerked, eyes only focusing at the moment he heard the voice. The man was there in front of him all along, Kuroro Lucifer. It took him a bit of a time to recall the event of the previous night, so they had slept in the same bed. And here he still was, right in Kuroro's arms.

There was no sign of drowsiness on Kuroro's face, he must have wakened for a while, being an early bird after all. _So, why was he still in bed, having that kind of look on his face? _Kurapika mused.

'_Has he been watching me asleep?'_the thought was more or less creepy to Kurapika, but it wasn't anywhere far from impossible. He felt the warmth rose up his cheeks, whether because of him feeling a bit sick or something else.

"You sleep okay?" Kuroro asked as he shifted closer, than they already were. He stopped when the boy recoiled slightly, although it didn't seem like he was going to flinch away completely or smack Kuroro in the face. It was dawned on Kuroro that the boy didn't detest it, but this was so unforeseen.

So unexpected, even to Kuroro himself.

And probably, Kurapika might just have been a little scared. He had to hold back his chuckle, else, it would ruin everything, Kurapika would get angry. _But Kurapika, scared of him?_ Only when he was this way to the boy.

Upon seeing Kurapika's colored-face turned the deeper shades of red, Kuroro couldn't help but pondered over one thing. The day before, Kurapika had been avoiding him after the late morning incident. Kuroro wanted to know…since the boy still laid in his arms without the look on his face that spelled hell. _Would it mean something?_

Kuroro wanted to test the boundary, of which he was allow to cross.

He pressed his lips against the boy's forehead, then shifted to his eyelids. And only when Kurapika didn't seem like he was going to summon his chain jail did Kuroro moved to brush his lips against the boy's lightly.

Kurapika didn't know what he was thinking, maybe he wasn't thinking at all. Something inside of him hurts, but at the same time he didn't want to push the man away. He even hoped against hope that it would chase away the uneasy feeling that came out of nowhere from his sleep.

'_Is this-'_

Yet, that voice at the back of his mind called again, and it pulled at something in him to the surface.

_The nightmare_…Kurapika failed to recall anything about the nightmare, the only thing he felt now was the awful pain that throbbed in his head, which had gone from bad to worst. He clutched his head painfully.

"Hey."

Despite the pain, Kurapika noticed what was written on Kuroro's face, no matter how he'd carefully masked it. Kuroro was anxious. Kurapika disliked it, when the man had that kind of face for him. He had to force out, "I'm…fine." His voice was coarse. _Strange, he hadn't been screaming, had he?_ If he had, Kuroro would have woken him already.

"You're probably sick again, under this kind of weather," Kuroro stated as he pushed himself up in a sitting position and checked on the boy, like he always did when the boy showed any kinds of symptom. When he placed his hand on Kurapika's forehead, the boy winced slightly due to Kuroro's cold hand, but it never failed to serve well on his burning forehead.

'_Comforting.'_

One word that described his feelings, and from it…brought catastrophe.

'_WHY DO YOU GIVE IN TO OUR CLAN'S MURDERER?'_

"Hmm? No fever," Kuroro stated and became aware of the boy's sudden pallor.

Then Kurapika's green eyes abruptly turned red as he roughly shoved Kuroro away.

It didn't really come out as a surprise to Kuroro. Kurapika always seemed to have an issue when he was sick. He said in a calm voice, "What's wrong, Kurapika?"

"Everything," the boy blurted. He remembered now, once he'd allow himself to feel comfortable with Kuroro's touch, the nightmare returned to him.

'_WHY DO YOU GET ALONG WITH HIM?"_

"You don't have a fever, but you're pale," Kuroro repeated, deciding against touching the boy. If Kurapika pushed him away, he'd understand. It wasn't the first time, and he doubted if there'd ever be the last time. With that thought in mind, he got himself out of the bed, giving the boy some space. He went over to grab a bottle of water from the cabinet and back to the boy.

Kurapika looked at the bottle of water, offered by his long time enemy, and looked away. He didn't notice his body hunched over, his insides hurt. Of what, he had no idea.

'_DIDN'T YOU SWEAR TO AVENGE FOR US?'_

Now he knew, his vengeful dedication was obstructed by how he interacted with Kuroro, or more so, how Kuroro interacted with him. His purpose of existence after the death of his clan was threatened at the root.

His dream, he'd been too used to the vision of his people with empty sockets and hollow in their faces. Less the time, the body without head talked. They were the blood and gore that would haunt him forever unless he avenged for them.

"A nightmare?" Kuroro assumed. Kurapika gave no answer but Kuroro didn't need one. The boy's eyes hadn't turned red for quite a while and since it did all of the sudden again, that must meant something about his past. All Kuroro did was to wait, he had nothing to say, knowing all too well that the boy had a tendency to lose his head at any moment. Kurapika himself must have known well how he had to deal with his own emotional circuit overload. "Do you want to be alone?" Kuroro asked, everytime anticipating the answer would be different someday.

There was a surprise in Kurapika's eyes, but he nodded nonetheless.

_Not this time then._

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"That kid, really takes it too hard on himself, it's not like Danchou _do_ him or something," Said Phinx to his comrades. Beside him was Shalnark, folding his arms over his chest, nodding in agreement. When it came to Kurapika's relationship with Kuroro, the two always held such discussion.

"_Do_ him?" Kuroro who sat on his usual spot, a bit far away but overheard him being talked about, raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

Phinx's eyebrow (or lack thereof) twitched at how his leader's face was so blank (although it was normal), that it looked completely innocuous. He stepped closer to a sitting Kuroro, and stressed his tone, "Danchou, don't tell me you're not thinking of anything when you _kissed_ the boy!"

His shout sent Nobunaga to choke on his drink, and spat the content of liquid out. It didn't have much effect on the others though, either because they didn't give a heck, or they'd already had the whole picture. Words had already got around an entire Ryodan. Save for Nobunaga, it still was a big big thing to accept. He was speechless, looking at Kuroro's direction vehemently.

"Well," Kuroro said, placing his hand on his lips, brooding. "For one thing, I'm just curious. For a second thing, like Phinx said, I just want to shut him up." He removed his hand, searching his comrade's face, "That was all."

"Oh?" Shalnark wondered, "and curious about what?"

"About how soft his lips would be," Kuroro said in a flat tone, as if it was the most mundane thing to say.

On the other side of the room, Nobunaga felt the urge to empty of all the contents he had had for lunch. Although, he came to almost accept Kurapika at least, he still couldn't take this kind of thing. _They were supposed to be enemy, not the complete opposite! _It was going to be a long-lasting disturbance for him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

11pm found no Kurapika back. The night weather wasn't as bad, thus Kuroro wasn't as much concern. Going out to fetch the Kuruta back wasn't in his mind, he knew that kind of look on the boy's face. He knew better not to interfere with Kurapika's privacy, not when he'd already done enough on that part.

The candles that lit along the dark hallway were now inches away from a total melt down. Amidst the hours of darkness, Kuroro continued to sit and wait, while immersing himself in the contents of the books. A footstep sounded, and Kuroro looked up.

"He hadn't come back?" It was Shalnark.

Kuroro shook his head. "He forgot his cell phone too." When Shalnark continued to look at him, Kuroro closed the book and pulled himself up. "The candles almost out, I'll retire now."

Next morning Kuroro still found no return of the boy.

"Damn it."


	3. Chapter 3 Asking Oneself and Decision

Hello there! I've been gone from this fanfic for almost three years My bad! It just so happened that I've watched HxH 2011 (thanks to readers that reminded me) and I was again so much inspired to come back and write fanfic. I wasn't expecting this coming now but I'm happy that I did though.

So I'll be continuing with all of my unfinished HxH fic, including Sunshine and extra chapter of TSASAN XD I hope if anyone's still reading, please do let me know. I'll be very happy to hear from you lovely people again and I'm sure your encouragement will make me write more.

**Special Thanks to Yumiii for beta-reader.**

**Thanks to every reader that reviews and PM me to continue and also thanks to those of you who translated this fanfic into other languages. Very encouraging and supportive of you guys!**

Hope you enjoy!

**Chapter 3 Asking Oneself and Decision**

"_YOU SWORE TO AVENGE FOR OUR DEATHS, YOU SWORE WITH YOUR OWN LIFE. YET, YOU WENT ALONG WITH THEM, AND YOU GAVE YOURSELF TO HIM. HOW COULD YOU, KURAPIKA?"_

_X_

He bolted awake, right from his restless sleep. As he regained his senses, taking in the surrounding of the green forest he was in and the tree trunk that he was leaning on, he sighed.

_'That dream again…no… nightmare.'_

The nightmare was exactly the same as the day prior, but his body's response to it was getting worse. This time, he felt awful right at the moment his consciousness kicked him awake. He wiped away a cold sweat trickling and clutched his forehead.

_'Must have been because this was the second time.'_ Kurapika tried to calm himself by inhaling the fresh, forest air. At least the weather was not too bad. The night before, he did not return to his living quarters.

He sat himself up, curling a bit due to a slight, chilly air in the morning.

'_What would he be thinking now?' _Kurapika recalled how the Genei Ryodan leader was always upset whenever he was gone; he knew. Although Kuroro had eradicated most of the people who knew about Kurapika being a Kuruta of the precious flame-colored eyes, there would always be a leak of information here and there. And there would always be people who came after him from time to time.

Kurapika had insisted that he didn't need protection, but Kuroro would almost always force him to stay by his side, claiming that they were still bound to each other by Kurapika's nen. But Kurapika couldn't face the Spiders this time. Not with the nightmare fresh in his mind, their words eating at him.

"_Why do you get along with Kuroro Lucifer?"_

All along, Kurapika had doubts - the new nightmare just worsened it. Three months ago, he'd made a decision to go with Kuroro to put his friends out of the harm's way. He believed he was doing the right thing.

But…it didn't mean that he had to get along with Spiders... It hadn't meant that he could allow himself to get so close to Kuroro Lucifer.

'_The only thing I fear most in this life of mine…is this hatred vanishing into nothing,' _He'd say that himself. Now, he wasn't so sure. _'Once, nothing could ever stop me from this thirst for revenge. Nothing…except myself?' _

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Danchou, where are you hurrying off to?" Shalnark asked once he saw his leader appear from the stair case. He was walking with hastened pace to the exit of the construction without saying anything.

His leader, more often than not, always told them where he was going, just to make it clear beforehand whether he needed his comrades to come along. Of course, this time, Shalnark had an idea of _where _his leader was going, but still.

"Kurapika has yet to return," Kuroro said, without stopping for conversation.

"You want me, or, er…" While continuing to keep in pace with his leader, Shalnark turned to look at the others who were present in the foyer: Phinx, Machi, and Nobunaga. "-us, to help you to look for him?"

"No, I got it," Kuroro replied and he left as swiftly as he showed.

Shalnark looked back at his comrades and shrugged.

"It's normal. Danchou's always like that when that brat is gone," Nobunga said, a hint of irritation in his voice.

"When it comes to Kurapika, he always take things into his own hands," Machi shared a bit of information.

"Hmm…" Shalnark agreed silently, casting his glance towards the direction where Kuroro had left. "Looks like Danchou haven't had any sleep too."

Since he'd left for NGL, Shalnark missed things that had happened between Kuroro and Kurapika after the boy was kidnapped by the mafia. He had only received a call from his leader days after that Kurapika was still with him, and that he changed his mind not to kill the boy, even when he had a chance in a lifetime to be free of Kurapika's killing nen.

When questioned, his leader didn't elaborate the purpose he kept the alive boy for. Shalnark just knew things were bound to change so much more than he or any other fellow Spiders could imagine. Still, from the look of things then, Shalnark was glad that Kuroro was still the same old leader that they looked up to. That part hadn't change one bit, and would never.

The fact that Kurapika made it this far was most likely because of Kuroro himself. There had been no major raid plans at all for the last three months, save the small stealing and such. That had to be a record of more than half of Spiders members.

It was highly suspected that their leader was somehow avoiding violence. Once directly asked, he only reasoned that he was keeping his word on recovering the Kuruta's eyes at the moment, and that there were no raids worthy enough to be executed.

Shalnark wondered. With Kurapika around, it wasn't bad (for him at least), but what Genei Ryodan could become was now even more unpredictable.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

'_There he is.' _Thought Kuroro as his eyes laid on the Kuruta from afar. He had been on Kurapika's trail, beginning from scratch. Before going in to grab that fugitive kid that made him unable to sleep the night before, he recalled that the boy liked to take shelter in the forest whenever his mind was troubled.

Sitting with knees huddled to his chest, near the main river that had the small, branch-like streams, was Kurapika. His right hand remained in the running water, as if cleansing it. His green eyes gleamed in soft light reflected from the water by the sun.

The Kuruta looked so peaceful that Kuroro almost considered the thought of leaving the boy alone in his privacy. At least he saw it now that the boy was safe and sound, although the kid looked a bit worn out. Well…_almost_.

Soon, Kurapika brought his hand away from the water stream and had his chin on his knees.

Kuroro, mad a moment ago, changed upon that. As quiet as he naturally was, he stepped in. The boy hadn't been aware until the man was close enough to reach and run a hand through Kurapika's hair.

The blond head jerked away abruptly.

The raven-haired man retreated his hand with slight surprise. It had been a while that the boy had jerked away from him that violently. Kurapika had been used to his touch even if he didn't see him; he would still know it was his presence. The sort of response right now was similar to the kind Kurapika had before his rescue from the mafia.

The Kuruta didn't say anything after an initial jumpy look. He raised his eyes at the man whose face betrayed nothing. He noticed the dark circles below Kuroro's eyes. Kuroro never slept that much - three hours for him would suffice- but anything less than that had always left him with said evidence.

"You didn't come back yesterday," Kuroro started, after shoving his offending hands into his coat pocket. When the boy didn't answer and merely looked away, he continued, "You were lucky that the weather last night wasn't crazy. But you wouldn't know what tonight would bring." The boy still gave no response. Kuroro had enough for words, he reached out with an open palm. "Let's go."

The boy's eyes locked onto the offered hand. For the first time in months, they seemed to hold some sort of ill intent. Kuroro realized that those looks were exactly like the ones he remembered seeing when they first met in York Shin.

Kurapika finally shifted in his sitting position, mostly keeping his eyes away from Kuroro. "I want to be alone."

Kuroro retracted his hand again. "I don't mind you wanting to be alone, but I told you to come back before sunset and you didn't." Despite his poker face, his words didn't come out as emotionless. After all Kuroro was mad, and in consequence of catching on that tone, Kurapika was provoked.

"And who said that I have to do as you say? I'm not a Spider," Kurapika returned, with an equally sour tone.

"I didn't say that you are one."

"Then stop pestering me."

"Kurapika!"

The kind of authoritative tone caught Kurapika, but it also reminded him of the time he was regarded as one of them. Kuroro used that tone to order him at the start, when fate brought them together into this circle of blood and madness. He hated it. He gave Kuroro the very same look of response he gave the man before three months ago. Though blinded by anger, he didn't miss it the split second that Kuroro's poker face shifted into something else. It slipped back to the expressionless one after.

"I just…" Kuroro began, crouching down to the boy's sitting level "-don't want you to get sick." This time, Kuroro reached out again, disregarding the boy's flinch and cupped the boy's face with one hand. "You're still pale. I don't think you're well enough to be out here on your own."

Upon seeing the man's frown with that kind of apprehension, Kurapika was anything but infuriated.

"_WHY HAS YOUR HATRED STARTED TO FADE AWAY?" _

The inner voice surfaced from the back of his mind and Kurapika blurted in echo, "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you have to be-" Kurapika bit his lips, his eyes turning red. "…kind to me, when-"

It didn't seem like he finished, so Kuroro waited. But whatever the boy had left words unfinished, Kuroro had a bad feeling.

"-you killed my family."

'_Not this…' _

"Why…" This time, Kurapika's voice cracked. His memories, all the good ones, those that were centered around his family and the ones which involved Kuroro Lucifer wavered him. His eyes turned red as he shoved Kuroro's hands away. He wailed. "Those hands that massacred and robbed all the Kuruta clan's eyes! Why do you use them to…protect me…hold me!?"

"Kurapika," the man called as he grabbed the boy's arms to steady him from the outburst.

"Why…" the boy's expression was nothing but a mix of sorrow and pain. It was a stunning moment even to Kuroro. Kurapika had never showed such kind of emotion, not when he was in his right mind. Whatever was in the boy's mentality, it must be eating him alive. "Answer me."

'_He wants answer…again.'_

Kurapika's eyes bore into Kuroro's.

Kuroro had the answer, but he knew his answer would tear things up, probably ruin everything that they had built up so far. However, he'd always been honest with his answer to Kurapika. Just because Kurapika looked as if he was about to cry, wouldn't make things different, on that answering part. He would tell the truth.

"Because…only you are worth protecting. I don't give a damn about anyone else other than Ryuusegai people and you. I have no regret, massacring the Kurutas, because it led you to me."

As soon as he finished, he received a blow across his cheek. Kuroro merely closed his eyes, spitting away blood. He was expecting it and made no attempt of shunning it.

"We shouldn't have met that day at the Attique. Things shouldn't turn out this way.," Kurapika trailed off, when he raised his eyes, he saw something he'd never seen before on Kuroro's usually stoic face.

Grief.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Late afternoon, while all the Ryodan members were out, Shalnark came back to the living quarters.

"Danchou?" He only called, but in itself was asking what was wrong.

His Danchou was half sitting, half leaning back against the wall, and staring off into blank space. One of his hands pressed against his cheek, absent from Shalnark's line of vision. Kuroro's eyes peered sideways, acknowledging his comrade.

"Shal." His face, stoic as usual.

Shalnark looked about and asked, "Kurapika?"

"He won't come back," replied Kuroro as his glance returned to the empty space.

Silence took over, as Shalnark weighted his decision whether to press the subject out of his own concern or leave it as that, to his leader's private matter. His contemplation was interrupted as Kuroro decided for him.

"Shal."

"Yes?"

For a long moment, Shalnark waited for Kuroro to speak because he didn't know what the heck was his leader was trying to say. Sluggishly, as apathetic as he was perceived to be, Kuroro turned his head to fully face Shalnark. He revealed a swollen wound on his left cheek that looked like it had been hit or something.

"Er…Kurapika, I guess?" He assumed, yet not understanding his leader's behavior.

Kuroro nodded while jabbing the side of his cheek slightly, and finally saying: "It hurts."

"Come again?"

Kuroro looked away. "Back at York Shin, when Kurapika captured me, he'd beaten me up like a sack of punching bag. I bled all over, but there wasn't pain. Not as much as I could really feel it-" His dark eyes gazed to the side, where his cheek was, "-not as much as now. I don't know why this time round, it stings so much…and-" his hand shifted from his cheek…to right above his chest. "-here too." He paused, contemplating again. "Perhaps Kurapika's chain is activating again."

Shalnark just stared with his mouth gawked open as thoughts processed in his mind. "Maybe it's not the chain. Maybe it's something else."

"Something else?"

Shalnark cast his eyes down, with his hand on his chin as he speculated for a moment. Then, looked back up at his leader. "Danchou, do you hold remorse for killing the Kuruta clan?"

From a poker face, Kuroro's lips cracked into a stoic, unfeeling smile. "Who are you asking, Shal? I never held remorse for the people I've killed." Here, his eyes cast to the ceiling. "But…as for Kurapika…I don't feel nice for having caused him pain. However, it's a different story; I hold no remorse for wiping out his clan."

'_Different story? It's possible for Danchou, who have the ability to detach things…everything.' _"So it is only Kurapika that you are concern about," Shalnark concluded.

"Exactly."

"I see, and that's the problem. Kurapika is a person who cares about the others more than he does himself. It's obvious that he was always hurting because of his clan's death, which had become his personal pain." Shalnark lifted one finger. "He's like, '_I'm kind and caring most of the time. But hurt me and I'll kick your ass_.'"

Kuroro nodded, chuckling slightly at how his comrade defined Kurapika. He spoke again, "So, I hurt him by killing his people with no remorse whatsoever."

"Hmm…" Shalnark crossed his hands behind him and raised his head to speak his mind, "Who said that the Genei Ryodan has no feelings?" As his leader gave him a questioning look, he continued, "We've killed hundreds and thousands of people - there's always someone we can't avoid killing. One of us would feel bad for it, even if for the slightest bit. It's rarely that the remorse is too much to contain, and reaches the surface of our expressions, that's all. Most people we've killed were a bunch of brutes anyways. Kurapika happens to be one of the innocent victims that we've come across."

"Is that so?"

"I don't think he'd made it this far living with us if he still completely believes that we are truly evil. He would have attempted to kill us."

Kuroro clasped his hands together, resting his chin on it. "Kurapika's main goal is to kill me, _still_."

"Of course." Shalnark smiled awkwardly, but he didn't finished there. "But main goal or not, he _doesn't _attempt to kill you, not that I see of anyway. He's changed, and…so have you."

Kuroro's eyes widened. He lifted his gaze to Shalnark, looking slightly stunned, but didin't say anything.

'_Not noticing, huh? Danchou, you've trained yourself to be such a cold, heartless person to the world, and Kurapika had come along to mess your systems up.' _To Shalnark, it was something new. When it came to Kurapika, his leader was like a different person. He even asked him for advice?"I'm sure Kurapika will come back. Just you wait, Danchou." Shalnark nodded to himself, as if to prove he was sure of his point.

"Wait, I shall."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kuroro's name appeared on the screen of his cellphone as it rang. Kurapika only gazed at it, far from the thought of picking the line up. His eyes shifted from the device to the orange-hued sky above him. The night was coming. Fortunately, the weather seemed to be not too bad again. Then Kuroro wouldn't have to worry about him that much. After what had happened, Kurapika hoped Kuroro wouldn't come to find him again.

Back in the late afternoon, Kurapika had expressed his desperate need to be alone, thus Kuroro left. But he gave Kurapika his cellphone that the boy had forgotten the day before. Indeed, Kuroro had made a call since the first day he didn't return but it had rung in their own room.

Kurapika was lost of what to do next. He still couldn't bring himself to go back. Kuroro's words had worsen things, but the man had been honest. Kurapika was confused, therefore, he prayed.

"_Our body, showered with the radiance of the sun and the moon. The wind, that blows upon our skin. Please strengthen me…to avenge for the Kuruta tribe, who were as pure as dew…giving them an everlasting peace in their souls."_

It didn't really help as it did before, and Kurapika was disarrayed by that fact. It was obvious to him. _'How far I am from it: to avenge for the Kuruta tribe.' _Still, he kept praying, until sleep took him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The next day arrived for Kurapika where he even felt more like crap. The nightmare had visited him once more and kicked him to the rude awakening again. He breathed, trying to detach himself from the remnants of the words from his people in the nightmare.

For a day, he spent time brooding like he did the day earlier.

_Beep beep._

The phone, it was a message from Kuroro: _'If you're not coming back tonight, I'll come for you.'_

Kurapika's heart skipped a beat, his eyes turning red. He wasn't ready to face the man, not so soon. He could run and hide away in another forest. But it seemed like Kuroro always found him, no matter what. He felt alarmed, confused, and so lost.

'_What to do?' _

As his eyes stared at the phone, one thought came into his mind. He felt like banging his head over something for not having thought about it before.

_He had friends, hadn't he? _

With that thought in mind, he skimmed over his phone address book. He found what he was looking for, but hesitated.

He wouldn't want them involved, not in any way. Kurapika's hands tightened on the cell, clasping the device to his forehead, thinking hard. Hard enough to recall their faces when they said:

'_If anything happens…you have to let us know. You have to…' _

Kurapika sighed and brought the cell to his line of vision again, and finally punched in the call button. He anticipated. As the line was picked up, Kurapika had to break away from the device for how loud it was.

"Kurapika!?" an excited, cheerful voice sounded and in the background, Kurapika could hear another sarcastic voice, "You're going to blow Kurapika's eardrums someday."

'_They are always together.' _A smile formed on Kurapika's lips as he responded, "Gon."

"Kurapika! It's been a while! How are you doing!? I'm so happy you called! Killua and I were just talking about you and Leorio! Ah! Hold on, I'll put the speaker on so Killua can hear too!" Kurapika waited as he listened to a clattering and fumbling sounds. Then…

"Hey, Kurapika," It was Killua, sounded so calm compared to Gon. Yet there were hints in the tone that he was glad.

"Hey." Kurapika greeted back, still smiling. He couldn't possibly put the feelings into words. Gon alone made him feel better, but Gon with Killua always made him smile and even laugh. With Leorio, all of them together, he felt at ease.

It had only been three months since they last parted from Kurapika with Kuroro. During the first few weeks, Gon had called in to check on him, and Kuroro happened to be the one who picked up the line. Out of concern for their lives, Kurapika had requested Killua not to let Gon make a call to him so often. Killua, being the more reasonable of the two, understood, and did his part. Leorio had done the same thing, calling on Kurapika every now and then, but Kurapika just shuts him down easily out of habit.

"Kurapika, we've just come back to my house from NGL! How about you? Where are you now!?" Gon asked, hardly containing his excitement when an old friend called.

Kurapika couldn't quite answer to Gon's question.

Gon's cheerful voice died down and Killua took the liberty of asking it, "Are you still with Kuroro?" When Kurapika's voice didn't present, the boy added, "I take that as a yes."

"Is he good to you? Did he do something bad to you?" Gon came back on the line again.

"Er…" Kurapika hesitated, the last thing he needed now was his friends worrying over him. But then Gon's question made him think…about Kuroro.

After they parted, how had Kuroro been?

Kuroro had let his guard down, when he almost killed him in the airship after Kuroro told the truth. Though, it was because Kuroro himself was sure that he wouldn't kill him, but still. Kuroro watched over him when he broke down in fever, tough claiming that he was only sitting and reading, and happened to be near him. Kuroro stood between his way and the other Ryodans when they were alarmed to see him, still alive and back, explaining that they were still bound to each other.

Day after day, Kuroro had to make sure none of his comrades would try to kill him, especially a certain samurai. Even when the thought of killing him was given up, Kuroro would still bother him with other things, like him having a proper meal, or sleeping enough (although he liked to disturb him almost every morning), and stating that he didn't want to take care of sick Kuruta. Kuroro always make sure Kurapika was warm enough to sleep since they always spent the cold nights in shabby living quarters. It was the same problem he was having here: Kuroro persisting him to come back because the weather in Melb City at night was unpredictable and crazy.

His hatred for the man was boundless, but Kurapika wasn't blind to see it. There were so many things Kuroro did…for him.

"Kurapika?"

Kurapika thought fast. _'Among those, were-' _"He helped me look for the Kurutas' eyes. We've found five pairs so far," he shared that information, and continued to think to himself,_ 'One time, he even went as far as injuring himself to get it back for me, again claiming that the wounds didn't affect him in any way.'_

"That's great! Seems like he's been treating you well?"

Kurapika's eyes widened at the statement. If what Kuroro had been doing wasn't defined as "well", Kurapika wouldn't know what else to call. The only thing that kept him away from completion of that term was what Kuroro was still doing…his profession.

"Yes," He answered Gon first with a smile on his lips, but it couldn't quite reach his eyes now. He was still contradicting himself.

"Kurapika, aside from that. Did something else happens? Like…now?" Killua's voice was doubtful.

Stunned a bit, Kurapika knew how sharp and knowing the former assassin could be sometimes. From the pieces of information that they'd been able to squeeze out of Kurapika and what Kuroro had said to them when they talked via cell phone, Killua had presumed things in correct fashion. He even knew that Kuroro didn't treat Kurapika as comrade, but _more _than that. The white-haired boy knew things wouldn't always run so smoothly.

"Kurapika, tell us, if something's not going right. You have to let us know," Gon's voice was pressing, sincerely.

Kurapika's eyes softened, a smile came back to him. "I know."

Small chuckles of delight came from the other end.

Kurapika took his time, while the two boys on the line seemed to be waiting with understanding patience, until Kurapika began, "Gon, Killua, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing."

"You mean, going with the Spiders?"

"Even disregarding having you guys away from Kuroro's threat that I have to go with him. I still…swore my people to avenge them, it's my most important purpose in life. I…"

Gon and Killua didn't need Kurapika to finish it to understand. When Kurapika went quiet, Gon had sympathetic tone. "Kurapika. I downright understand the feeling for vengeance-"

Something in Gon's voice was edgy. A Gon that Kurapika knew was someone who would like to settle the score with someone whom he had unfinished business with. But revenge? Gon? But Kurapika wouldn't know. Something might have happened to him in NGL.

"-But I also learned that revenge doesn't do any good. It won't bring back what we've lost. I know you've heard of this more than enough, so I wouldn't say much, except that…you have to be true to your feelings."

"How?" Kurapika blurted, something he never often did. But he was confused, he was lost - he needed direction.

"Hmmm." Here, Kurapika could imagine the young boy's face frown while looking up, thinking hard to put it into words. Then it came, "You'll have to ask yourself. And when you do that, don't think about the past nor the future or about anyone else. It may seem self-centered, but it's the way you'll understand what you really want."

'_Not to think about anyone else? It was a bit unlike Gon that he once knew. Something had changed. Surely something must have happened to him while he was in NGL.' _But Kurapika put that aside, as it wasn't his part to pry as of yet. As long as Gon had Killua, everything will be fine. All he had to do for now was to think for himself.

"What I really want?"

"Kurapika," Killua called, "Think of it this way. If the Spiders had thrown away the thought of coming after Gon, Leorio, Senritsu, and I, would you still have went with him?"

Kurapika was speechless, while at the other end, Gon seemed to be yelling a bit at Killua, most likely because the white-haired boy was too straight forward about the matter that was meant to be sensitive.

"I wasn't quite finished yet. From the look of things, you are _his_ concern. And don't take this the wrong way, but I wouldn't want to think about my past for what I did. Probably, that guy's the same. Well, that's all I have to say, the rest is up to you anyways." Killua finished.

"Kurapika, whatever you decision is, let us know too. If you don't feel well going with them, we'll get you out-"

"No, Gon!" Kurapika hurriedly inserted. He wouldn't want his friends endanger themselves all over again. Did they not digest his words at all, after that many times he'd drilled into them not to go near the Spiders again? He sighed, "I…need to think. I'll do as you said."

"…okay," Gon's voice was getting a bit smaller at the coming end of the conversation.

"Thank you, Gon, Killua."

Two simple words that brought Gon back to his cheerful state.

"No problem!" Kurapika could imagine the boy grinning from ear to ear. "Just remember Kurapika. If you need us, we're always here." That in turn, made Kurapika smiled.

Then Killua chimed in, "And make sure to give Leolio a call! That old man keeps ringing us, whining about how you shut him down when he calls you. He's just as worried."

Smiling to the phone, Kurapika nodded. "I will…well, I have to go."

"We hope to hear from you again soon!" Gon all but encouraged.

"For sure, later then."

"See you again!"

Putting away the device, Kurapika felt as if the weight of the whole world that was crushing him down earlier was now lifted. Talking to Gon had that kind of magic. Somewhere along the conversation, his red eyes had turned back to their normal state.

Turning his head towards the sky, Kurapika was a bit surprised to see that it was overcast by grey clouds. The wind started to pick up, seemingly a storm coming. But it had been raining with a light shower for quite a while now and Kurapika hadn't realized it. The love of rain was in his Kuruta blood - he wasn't a person to take cover from it.

'_Rain…again…like that day…always the same…'_

A small smile formed on his lips as he closed his eyes.

Kurapika asked himself and he got an answer.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The rain had gotten heavier by the hour, with lightning and thunder raging outside. The window Kuroro stood by was slightly leaking and dripping with streams of water. The glass windows shook in their frames with every roar the sky delivered.

He pulled out his cell and checked the time; almost 6pm. His mind was still occupied with that Kuruta. In this kind of weather, it could probably be nothing to Kurapika. It was pouring, but at least it wasn't freaking freezing like the other day. He'd learned that Kurapika had been completely alone since at the age of thirteen, after his clan was massacred. The boy had looked after himself, whether indoor or outdoor, hence in any weather condition, he would be fine.

'_Then again, who am I to say this? I warned him that I'll go fetch him myself if he doesn't come back, and I will.' _

With that thought in mind and a slight annoyed feeling in him, he marched to the door, swinging it opened. He was surprised to see the object of his concentration there. Kurapika looked back with an equally surprised expression, to see the door open and Kuroro standing so suddenly right in front of him.

Both of them fell speechless and immobile, like they always did in times like this. Kuroro regained himself when he noticed how the boy was soaked to the skin, shivering to a certain extent. But it seemed like Kurapika wouldn't be moving on his own accord soon, so Kuroro lightly pulled him into the room. While Kurapika stood there like a doll, Kuroro went into the adjoined washroom, grabbed the towel and throwing it at the Kuruta.

His earlier anger washed away to nothingness.

Still, Kurapika was quiet and motionless, his eyes empty but looking at Kuroro with something the man couldn't comprehend. Frowning in the slightest bit, Kuroro closed the distance between them and reached for that small towel that was still dangling on the blond's head.

"You're going to fall sick," he said as he started to swab the cloth over the blond head. After a while of drying the hair, Kuroro held the towel back, revealing a Kurapika with hair that stuck out in all directions. A small chuckle escaped his lips, but he held it back. _'Almost forgot, he could get angry.' _

Kurapika's lips parted slightly, as if he was about to say something.

"You can shout and yell at me after you're done changing and drying yourself, all right?" Kuroro inserted, quickly wrapping the towel around Kurapika and steered the boy towards the washroom's direction.

However this time, Kurapika refused. He didn't budge, and raised his eyes to Kuroro again. Upon seeing Kuroro's questioning gaze, he looked away. Under the rumbling sounds of the rumbling sky outside the window, Kurapika said barely above a whisper, "I'm sorry."

Stunned, Kuroro searched the boy's face. "What for?" For one thing, his pissed-off state had completely disappeared the moment the boy had returned .

"For having said _that_…"

Kuroro's eyes flickered up towards the ceiling in thoughts. There was nothing in the world that could make him deserve an apology from Kurapika. Words, for him never mattered. But if there was one time that Kurapika's words had upset him more deeply than any other earthly wounds, it would be…

'_We shouldn't have met that day at the Attique. Things shouldn't turn out this way.'_

Kuroro himself never said sorry for the things he'd done. He did for some trivial things like stepping on Kurapika's foot by accident. But never about the incident five years ago; whether or not to raise it wouldn't mean a thing.

_The past doesn't really matter._

"It doesn't matter."

"And…the punch too," now, Kurapika looked at Kuroro again, particularly at his cheek where the trace of having been hit already faded.

"That as well, doesn't matter." Kuroro brushed it off, and said, "I was afraid you'll break down again."

'_Afraid? Genei Ryodan leader – no, Kuroro Lucifer is afraid?' _Kurapika felt uneasy. He couldn't help the shocked look on his face before he admitted, "Well, I can't stay mad at you forever…I meant like…right now." _'You used to always have a smug look on your face when I was down, but when you're looking like that-' _"I'm sorry, Kuroro."

Drawing back in another surprise, Kuroro had to break into a smile, "You shouldn't be apologizing me; it's not like you."

Something flashed in the boy's eyes, as if the flame-colored eyes were activating but was held back. For a moment there, Kuroro anticipated that Kurapika would snap at him like he _usually _did. For what it was worth, he'd feel way better if the boy did that - a sign that the boy was back to himself.

Kurapika didn't do that though. He merely nodded like a timid person and made his way to the bathroom. "I'll wash myself."

Sensing that something was definitely off, Kuroro stood still to ponder while keeping his eyes to the opened door where Kurapika had gone through. He couldn't recall a time when the boy reacted this way. Then, he heard the sound of water running. _'What the-' _Kuroro trailed after the boy's course and before he could say what he'd meant to, he saw.

Warm water set the washroom misty, among that was the frame of Kurapika's bare, soaking back. He'd just stripped to his pants. His shoulder were small but his back was well-sculpted, like the greatest masterpiece of life. Kuroro couldn't help but stare. No sooner than Kuroro realized his own act was becoming perverted like Hisoka did him before, he knocked the open door.

Once Kurapika turned a surprise look, Kuroro finally said, "You forgot to close the door." Kuroro shut the door for him, but didn't miss the shock look on the boy's face. _'Had he really forgotten? A reserved person like Kurapika?' _

Outside, the rain was still pouring endlessly from the roaring dark sky, the night was approaching.

He waited until the boy came out. Kurapika looked better, but still pale, and looked as if he'd lost some weight in a matter of two days. He couldn't help but ask: "Have you been eating and sleeping at all?"

The boy returned a look, too calm to be like the usual Kurapika. He nodded, "I've been okay. If you're worry about my health, don't. You're no better than me."

True, Kuroro himself hadn't be sleeping much but it didn't affect him much anyway. Just his outer appearance. Kuroro watched as Kurapika languidly climbed onto his own bed. It was still disconcerting at how Kurapika was behaving. So, for the last attempt, he tried something to provoke the boy.

"Hey, Kurapika." When he got the boy's attention, he tapped at the empty space on his bed, "It's a little chilly. Won't you come here? Or would you rather have me there?"

The boy's eyes locked on Kuroro's.

'_Now yell, or throw something at me.' _Kuroro anticipated. To his complete surprise, Kurapika slid off his own bed, and meandered to Kuroro's. Before Kuroro could do so much as gawk, Kurapika laid himself back down beside a sitting man and pulled the cover right above him.

"If you don't mind. I'm very tired."

And so gape, Kuroro finally did. Now he couldn't help but point out: "Kurapika, not that I really mind you being this way, but something is wrong with you."

The boy raised his eyes, again with the look that Kuroro couldn't understand. They were too empty, but yet at the same time so intense. Just like Kurapika himself. _Was the boy up to something?_ Kuroro couldn't suppose that as to what was happening, he knew the boy.

Upon that, Kurapika brought himself up to a sitting position, next to Kuroro. His head cast down as he said, "I'm not really like myself, am I?" Came a nod. "I'm not losing my head or anything. It's just that these few days has been hard for me. I was confused about the path I'm taking, and I had to talk to my friends. They told me to ask myself what I want, disregarding my past. …I got myself an answer."

To Kuroro, Kurapika's explanations seemed like a senseless mumbles, but an explanation, nevertheless. "And that is?"

Then Kurapika looked at Kuroro in the eyes. "I want to go with you." Kuroro's eyes that were obviously surprised caused Kurapika to look away, tightening his fists on the blanket sheet in his hands. "I will be honest; the reason is because I need you to find the eyes or…something else…I'm not sure, but all in all, I'm going…with you."

Kuroro smiled, but frowned at the same time. "Well…it doesn't matter, as long as you're coming with me. I have to remind you that our agreement hadn't ended." He lied. Things had changed. If Kurapika would have disappeared now, he would rather go after Kurapika than hunt down his friends.

"I know," Kurapika replied, with an edge in his tone.

'_That's more like it. At last, some reactions coming.' _Kuroro tapped a hand on the boy's shoulder, "Sorry for that, don't get mad."

Kurapika gave the slightest bit of a glare, "Okay, now can I sleep? I'm tired."

"Go ahead," Kuroro urged and tucked the boy in, feeling a little weird at the boy's easy submission. He settled himself beside the boy. In this tiny space, his hand unintentionally touched the boy's waist, and he received a warning glance. "Don't worry, I won't do anything funny, unless you want me to."

"No thanks."

"Guess so."

"Kuroro."

"Hmm?"

On the verge of sleeping, Kurapika spoke with his eyes close, too heavy to open anymore. "Sometimes, I want to be able to be like you…just letting go of the past." Then he fell asleep out of exhaustion.

Kuroro literally felt his hair stand. Did his ears just played tricks on him?_ 'Kurapika, letting go of the past? Isn't that the next to last thing that could ever happen on earth, next to Kurapika stop hating me?' _Then he'd just realized the situation. _What was happening right now, this compromising position they were in, prove that what they thought would happen last on earth was happening right now._

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kuroro felt the weight on him even before he opened his eyes. Still night, but he must have slept for some hours. He heard the rain outside pouring down with light thunders and rumbles. It seemed like it was going to rain the entire night.

Returning to consciousness, the weight on him was light. Kuroro opened his eyes; they adjusted to the dark in an instant. He just knew the presence right on top of him. No one else could come this close without his knowing. Then, a sudden lightning illuminated the room for a brief second confirmed his visuals.

"Kurapika?" he called out.

There was no response. Nothing. Then, for what reason had Kurapika crawled on top of him in the middle of the night?

"Hey, you want to _make it up _to me?" He could hardly contain his chuckle, "I don't really mind, but don't you think it's too fast for-"

His words were cut short when his throat was suddenly seized by clenching hands. Then, it dawned on him how unwise his assumption had been, and what Kurapika's real intention was.

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**Another note**: Just to let you know that I won't be having the next chapter for Carry On until this December. Thing is…now I'm in Melbourne but I left the plot notebook for Carry On at my home country which I'll be going back in Dec(this chapter was already typed in file, that's why I can get it out faster), I remember how next chapter goes but there're details in that notebook that I can't recall. I want to get my hands on those details before I start next chapter. I really don't mean to make it cliff hanger, but it won't be long until December, ne?

Meanwhile I'll continue with Sunshine. Luckily the plot is in my recent plot notebook that I have with me. As well as extra chapter for TSASAN which I'll be writing in another title: Atlantic.

**Thank you for reading and again, feedback please!**


	4. Chapter 4 Invisible Wall

Okay, first off, I've got to say I'm really sorry to make you wait for so long. I didn't mean to make it such a long cliff-hanger. Believe me, I don't , because I'm digging my grave when readers are vehemently waiting for it and I'm not sure whether it's that worth waiting for. I felt a bit off and weird writing this chapter, possibly because of environmental change since I came back home (excuse?). Oh well, at least I've retrieved my note and kept to the original plot I had three years ago.

One note though, please visit . for original format of this chapter. When I uploaded this chapter here, my format changed. The content is the same, but I tried the other format and thought it'll be easier to understand Kurapika's POV (second part).

_Special thanks to Yumii for beta-reading and lots of help :D_

**Chapter 4 Invisible Wall**

Not a sound emitted from his throat when the clenching sensation was registered.

Kuroro came to be aware of this. Unlike the boy's previous, countless threats and attempts to kill him, this time…he could…_he would_. The vicious contact gripping around his throat was yelling that fact out loud.

He realized that his ability to respond was limited. His movement restricted, as well as his words. This sensation that he'd felt almost a year ago was ingrained in his memory. Even the sound of it, he remembered well. His using of _gyou _had confirmed it.

Kurapika's chain jail… was constricting him.

With the air supply cut from his lungs, his mind reeled on the 'why'.

_'He looked so mellow and calm when he came back. What brought about this?'_ Kurapika had been acting weird. He was like himself, and not at the same time. _'The nightmare,' _was Kuroro's reflexive assumption. It must have been his subconscious tuning him up for this. _'...That bad? That he has to kill in his sleep?'_

_What now?_

Eyes adjusting to the darkness, he could see the blond's face through his squinting eyes right above him. It occurred to him that the boy's eyes didn't look like he was aware of what he was doing. Kurapika's face wouldn't hold a vacant stare if he were angry to the point that he'd want to kill him. '_Sleepkill', without doubt._

Without nen, Kuroro had to rely on his brute force alone, when even a part of him already knew it wouldn't do a thing. He knew Kurapika's strength better than anyone else. His comrades were so near but none of them would have any idea about what was going on. And it had been Kuroro himself who, after a few times of Nobunaga's barging in on them, had made it a _rule _not to bother them unless the situation _really _called for it.

And this had to happen. Just because when he was with the boy, it had become his unguarded moment, _naturally_.

Then again, even now, Kuroro had a feeling he still didn't want to be bothered.

But how could he get himself out of this?

He stared at the boy as his body seemed to sag deeper into the cushion beneath him under Kurapika's doing.

"Die."

A word came out barely above a whisper, so soft and so broken. It silenced everything else around Kuroro as he continued to keep his eyes at Kurapika. The boy's eyes were bright red in the dark, but his expression bore no hostility, unlike the brutal strangle applied on his throat.

Something wet fell onto Kuroro's cheek. He knew right away what it had been from the sensation. '_But… if consciously, Kurapika would never...' _Then the boy leant in, weighting himself on his hands, forcing it down Kuroro's throat. Once his face was near enough for Kuroro to see those eyes in the dim light, Kuroro's anticipation was confirmed.

Tears…

Though a vacant expression, Kuroro could see right through it that there was pain tearing through the boy's feature. The pain that he'd always carried with him. Kuroro's attempt to struggle washed away. He was unable to look anywhere else but at those tearful eyes.

"…Because…of you…my family….my friend…everyone in my clan…I…I'm not supposed to…I'm…not."

Kuroro's why was answered with that. He heard more than rage in his voice, he heard pain. His chest tighten and knew it wasn't the result of the air cut from his lungs. He couldn't disconnect himself from his emotions when it came to Kurapika.

They were supposed to be an archenemies, not _this_. Although Kuroro didn't see it that way; that was all in Kurapika's head.

"Die…die…die…die…die…_die,_" Kurapika repeated again and again as his grip on the man's throat became tighter with every inch he leaned closer.

Outside the window, rain, lightning and thunder went on, just as Kurapika's killing him was prolonged and painful. Kuroro had been on the verge of painful death countless of times in ways which made strangling a child's play.

Kuroro had never been the type to worry for his life, or any others. To him, death was merely sleep with another name. He used to always remind his comrades that even without the head, the Spiders's legs must continue moving on. Hence, he never feared death, and would in fact, welcome the day his heart stops beating. He wouldn't so much as to blink at death. Not once, until this.

For this was the first time in the long time that he _didn't_ want to die. He wanted to live…next to this last Kuruta, now more than ever when there would always be someone out there targeting Kurapika. He wanted to stand in a way of the boy and all sorts of threat that lurked near him. _No matter what Kurapika thought_, that was his initial vow when he took Kurapika from his friends. But then he'd become attached to the boy's mutual feelings.

Seeing the boy all worked up had always amused him, but seeing him in such broken state… Knowing Kurapika carried such amount of sorrow over his small shoulder? Kuroro couldn't stand that.

He wanted to stop the boy's suffering, but it was obvious that he was doing the opposite. Kurapika's burden of hatred had engraved upon his heart and chained him down. He could see the boy had always had that war fighting inside his head whenever they were _together. _When he struggled, it seemed to make it all the more painful. _How many times already did he see Kurapika hit that emotional impasse?_

Though rarely, there were times where Kuroro thought how much differences it would make had he not massacred the Kuruta clan. What was the chance of them meeting under preferred circumstances? Would Kurapika have paid him this amount of attention, and would he have interest in Kurapika at all had he not been so hell bent in payback?

No.

Kuroro might not be a person who believed entirely in fate, but he had a distinct feeling that _this _was supposed to happen.

As long as Kuroro breathed for another day, Kurapika would have to relive this pain and confusion over and over again.

Kuroro thought he'd keep fixing it, but it seemed Kurapika has had enough. The boy couldn't live the rest of his life with him living. He needed an outlet for his grief so badly. If Kurapika's taking his life now would release him of that burden and pain, then…

_'…so be it.'_

The boy was what he had been searching for. If he lost the boy now, nothing in the world could replace him. Then what about his Ryodan? Another look at the crying boy and nothing else mattered. The Ryodan would survive without him.

His mind made up…he'd rather die by Kurapika's hands than the Judgment Chain. It was more up close and personal. '_Maybe it was…a good way to go.'_

His last attempt to struggle and get out of this stopped by the time he felt that he was slowly starved off of oxygen, Kuroro relaxed his whole self as he looked into the boy's eyes whose now seemed stunned at Kuroro's response to his killing. His thoughts flipped between regret that he had not found the boy sooner and the bliss at the thought that his time had come by Kurapika's hands before the remnants of his consciousness slowly slipped away. The only last fight he put up was to compose his expression.

To Kurapika, Kuroro gave his final smile.

_'I'm all yours.'_

All his life, he'd been robbing lives out of others and throwing people into misery. It was about time he gave his life to make someone happy. _A certain someone._

Sad to say, it had only been six months and he _wanted more. _Still, he'd rather let Kurapika have his way than Kurapika breaking down to the point he was unable to come back. The time that had together had to be enough. Kuroro drew his eyes shut. With the awareness that Kurapika might have been doing this out of consciousness or not, he wanted the boy to know that he died _well_.

Scarred by his past, being the only one living afterwards, Kurapika's belief of his responsibility for his death clan would call for Kuroro's dying the worst way possible, but Kuroro knew better about the boy's feelings and conscience…since from Pakunoda and Ubogin's death. The boy might not be able to carry the burden of killing another one even if it was _his_ worst.

Pain no longer existed, only the contentment he'd felt whenever he was with Kurapika.

…

Silence…even the sound of the chains stopped.

…

Then…that black out that would follow when his brain was starved of oxygen Kuroro expected never came. _Or maybe it had already passed and he didn't even realize it?_

…

Jet black eyes opened. The first thing he saw were those flame-colored eyes glowing in the dark. That meant he was still there with Kurapika straddling him and killing him. The face hovered above him were still blank with the touch of sorrow etched upon it. The tears…still fell.

But both Kurapika's hands and the chains that bound him loosened. He looked as if he was frozen in time.

Kuroro's instinct kicked in as he drew a sharp intake of breath. Kurapika's chain had slipped; he could get out of this. With a swipe of his hand, he could effortlessly kill Kurapika or at least throw the boy off to save himself from this predicament. The previous thought was logical to him…as a Spider. If this happened again, there might be a chance that he might not be this lucky again. But as Kuroro Lucifer who'd do things according to what he wanted, he couldn't find it in himself to do it. Then the latter thought, throw the boy off, snap him to his senses... for Kurapika to be the same again. Simple and clean.

But he couldn't find it in himself to do that either.

Instead, he reached out his hands to cup Kurapika's face. He felt the slightest stiffening under the contact and knew whatever the state of mind the boy was in, he was still Kurapika. That thought in mind, he smiled again and said the best as he could now.

"Kill me," he urged.

Into the silence that followed came the sound of the rattling chains before Kurapika's face turned hostile and the brutal force was applied to Kuroro's throat once more. Kuroro let his eyes slipped closed, welcoming the sensation of death.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

To him, there was only one thing he should do…he had to do.

Kill Kuroro Lucifer, despite that resistance deep inside of him.

From somewhere faraway, Kurapika heard a distant voice of someone calling out to him.

_…ka…op_

_That voice…_

_…stop…kura…-_

_Sounds familiar…Who?_

_Stop! Kurapika!_

_Eh?_

**_KILL HIM!_**

_…?_

_No, STOP!_

_…?_

_Think! Kurapika. Is this what you really want?_

_…What I want?_

**_KILL Him!_**

_I want to kill him…_

_No, you don't! Think for yourself._

_Think for myself?_

_Yes. Please listen to us, think!_

_…us? Who?_

_You know us. Now think!_

_Think…about what?_

_Him and you. Don't let those voices prey on your mind!_

**_Opportunity like this doesn't come easily,_**

**_Kill him, NOW._**

For some reason, Kurapika chose to listen to the voice that was familiar to him.

_Think?_

_About Kuroro... and me?_

Countless things had happened between them, throwing him and even a rock-solid Kuroro out balance. But then they had managed to pull each other through, and place them back on their feet again. It was the hardest thing to swallow at first yet he had to live with the fact that somehow they were compatible to each other in more ways than one.

He'd thought his day of hell had just begun, which at times, was true when he was with the Ryodan on their killing phase. That aside, the intense comradeship they shared with each other helped take the edge of his resentment towards them.

Then with Kuroro alone? He'd hate to admit that it wasn't that bad… not anymore.

Kuroro Lucifer was not evil. Evil went right out just to make people suffer without reason; Kuroro was just ignorance. They were less evil of the two at the very least. He'd seen it and he'd been trying so hard to keep that fact in his mind, convincing it was the reason he could live and travel with the man.

_'What's done is done, but we'll retrieve your brethren's eyes…together.'_

**_Kill him…!_**

_'Those two kids didn't want you to kill anyone, because you're their friends.'_

**_Kill him…!_**

_'Kurapika, I don't want you to go after them. Let's just focus on getting your brethren's eyes back.'_

**_KILL him…!_**

_'If you hear their cries, accusing you of getting along with him, it's all in your head. Your people would never want you to suffer. They'd want you to live and move on. Trust me on this, I got a dead friend too…thought he'd want me dead to be with him. Turned out that it was all in my head and the ghost of the real him wanted me to live and become a doctor.'_

**_Kill HIM…!_**

_'For the last time, give it up. You'll gain nothing from revenge. The only thing that will be left is the emptiness and the bloodstains on your hands. You won't be able to carry the burden all the rest of your life.'_

**_KILL HIM…!_**

_… … …_

_For my people, I have to kill you._

_'I won't lose you._

_You're what I'm searching for._

_I know you've been through a lot, but do try to keep calm for your own good._

_If you get into trouble, the first person you're going to call is me, understood?_

_You're going to kill me in the end, yes? So don't die on me just yet. Hang in there._

_Stay close to me. If you have to be far, then keep yourself alive and well. I'll come find you.'_

_'…'_

There were times where he still didn't get it, for the life of him. Why Kuroro had to care so much for him. Aside from the man's expressed motives that he liked his eyes and all, unlike any other earthly things or anyone, he never got bored with him.

Why, if faced with a potential danger, the first thing he'd see in the following seconds was Kuroro's back?

Kurapika just couldn't get it…or…

Did he refuse to get it?

But now, he wouldn't care….he just couldn't. This life of him was lived solely for revenge. For this purpose, he couldn't allow anything in the world to interfere with it.

**_KILL HIM…!_**

_…Do I…really want to do this?_

_Stop…!_

He told himself, 'kill him.' To ignore that voice inside and kill Kuroro Lucifer. In his line of vision, he was seeing red. Kuroro was under him, unable to move but striving to breathe and get out of this. Under the direct contact, he could feel the man's pain. He could see that anxiety in the man's usual stoic eyes.

_Good._

_Suffer like what you did to my clan._

… … …

Not long, the struggling stopped and everything relaxed. The anxiety and the pain were gone from the man, instead replaced by a…smile?

_He's…he's giving in? Why?_

_Why, why, why?_

_Did he think I'll stop if he gave in, again?_

_You know I won't stop._

_Struggle! Suffer!_

_Die, as your atonement like you were supposed to._

_….?_

"Kill me."

_...?_

_Eh….?_

His face was touched by those hands that had always been so cold. They were still cold but they relieved the searing sensation from his rage. Deft fingers brushed his face and his vision became clearer. _Was he in tears again?_

Like the first time he cried in his sleep and Kuroro dried his eyes.

The burning inside of him dissolved into a comfortable warmth. Why did the man who left him in the world so cold since six years ago now was filling him up with all the feelings he never thought would feel again in this life?

**_Just because he came to care for you, are you going to turn your back on us?_**

**_What about the revenge that you swore in front of our graves?_**

**_We won't rest until you've reached your final goal and that is his death._**

**_Now, KILL HIM._**

_… … …_

_Right._

_That's what I'm supposed to do, for my people._

_Kill._

_Stop it, Kurapika-!_

Ignoring the call of resistance, Kurapika's hands clenched the man's neck beneath him again.

"Die, Kuroro Lucifer."

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**Explanation of format on Kurapika's POV:**

_Text on the left in italics are:_

_Kuroro's words;_

_Gon, Killua, leorio, Kurapika's nen master's words_

_Bold, italic text in talics are:_

_The ghosts._

_._

_Middle italic is Kurapika's thoughts._

**Note:** Another cliff-hanger? This time it won't be long! Critiques and feedbacks are welcomed as always! Thanks :D


	5. Chapter 5 Let Go

**Note:** I've created a facebook fanpage for KuroKura, and HxH in general, please visit the link via my profile page. I still can't decide whether to update stuffs (fanart, doujin pages to my fanfics; possibly previews for next chapters as well) there or on LJ. I'll try both. Which one do you prefer?

Last chapter was short. So here ya go for a long one!

_Special thanks to Yumii for beta-reading._

**Chapter 5 Let Go**

In his dreams, they were alive: his parents, his best friend, and his clansmen. Their lives were too simple for his liking but it was peaceful in that small community. Adventurous thoughts came across him from time to time, but in the end, he knew he'd want to come home and live there until his time comes.

They weren't dead and he still had a home to return to, until he woke up to reality - the reality where he had vowed not to rest until the death of Genei Ryodan. Two of them were taken down thus far. The complication of being forced into the Ryodan filled him with doubt of his end goal now and then, although his strength of purpose remained unshakable.

When it all came down to it, he'd only have to go for its leader.

For numerous times, he had visualized the death of Kuroro Lucifer. Just the thought alone was already entertaining enough to make a smile pull at the corner of his lips. He always wondered how it would feel for real once he actually killed the man.

The day arrived…Kuroro Lucifer had stopped breathing, in his hands.

Opposed to every emotion that he thought he'd feel, Kurapika was met with something entirely different. His mind was in a tangled mess, and his heart held no definite answer to a reason why.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

In the morning that followed, Kurapika woke to the worst headache ever. The first thing he did was to squint his eyes away from the sun that blazed into the room. His hand was reaching to press against his temple in attempt to relieve the pain, but he found himself in the position that he couldn't move as such.

He forced his eyes open, realizing the presence next to him. _Kuroro._ The man had his arms loosely around him and seemed to be asleep.

'_Strange, he always wakes before me.' _Kurapika pondered as he pushed himself up. To his further astonishment, Kuroro's hands fell away from him. The man didn't even stir or tighten his hold onto Kurapika like he always did. _'Guess I should be thankful that he doesn't bother me in the morning for once.' _Kurapika passed it off as that as he levered himself to the edge of the bed. He let his feet touch the floor.

The chill seeped through his skin, reminding him that it had rained last night. Morning was far advanced, the clock reading eleven. His eyes swept the room, remembering that it was their current living quarters.

'_Last night? …Eh? When did I come back?' _he couldn't recall. His memories of the previous days up until then seemed scattered. He tried to think back. His head hurt so much he had to cradle it in his hands. The last thing he could remember was talking to Leorio on the phone. _'And after that? Why can't I…?' _Kurapika glanced back to the other occupant on the bed. _'How did I end up on his bed again? Did he talk me into this?' _

He rose from the bed. Fighting the small lightheadedness away, he sauntered towards the window to open it. The wooden frame shook off the droplets of rain away. Looking outside, the remnants of rain could be seen on the leaves and on the ground below. Kurapika took a lungful of the smell of rain that helped settle his nerves.

It was probably of his fatigue and stress that undermined his recalls. It had happened before. This was nothing new.

But the last time it happened, someone _died_.

His eyes went back to the figure on the bed right away. The sleeping man's arms sprawled right where they fell off when Kurapika got away.

Something was off.

Wave of anxiety exceeded his curiosity, he called, "Kuroro."

No response.

Kuroro always responded to him on first call, even in his sleep. A _'hmm,'_ the slightest shift, or whatever discreet, would suffice.

"Kuroro?" Kurapika tried again, louder.

Still, no response whatsoever. Kurapika marched to the bed. This time, he shouted, "Kuroro!"

Said man laid still. He knew the man had a knack for sleeping so still and quiet but he would have woken up by this rate. Kurapika's chest tightened and it took a while to steel himself. He crawled on the bed and shook the man's arm.

Another lack of response was all he could take. With one hand grabbing the man's collar, he yanked him up and another hand hitting across that sleeping face, he yelled, "Wake UP! You BASTARD, Kuroro!"

_If this bastard wasn't waking up, he swore he'd…!_

A hand paler than his own caught another oncoming hit. Kurapika stopped in his tracks.

"What was that for?" A baritone voice grounded out. The tone was laced with restraint aggravation.

Upon that, Kurapika exhaled a breath he hadn't known that he'd been holding. But the relief that washed him was too much to go unnoticed. He shoved that aside and glared into the jet black eyes that returned his look with a stunned expression.

"For waking up so slowly!" He shot back, letting go of the hand he'd been clutching on the man's collar. Kuroro fell backward onto the pillow. "I thought you were-!" The words died in his throat, unable to grasp the reason to why he got all worked up. _He thought what? And why would he think what he had thought before? _Eyeing down at Kuroro, the identical look of confusion was on his habitually stoic face.

"What is it?" Kuroro asked, still lying on his back. The redness from the hit began to form on his cheek, but he ignored it.

_Was it his imagination that the question in Kuroro's eyes was more intense than the man appeared to be?_ Kurapika shook his head, "Nothing. Probably…I think I... had a nightmare." _What it had been, though, he couldn't recall it. Brilliant. _

Kuroro's eyes shifted from Kurapika to the ceiling above them. "Yeah, me too."

The man's expression took on a speculating air as his hand reached to feel his neck. His eyes widened and shifted to meet Kurapika for a briefest moment before they looked away. Kurapika arched his brow, not understanding Kuroro's behaviour but he sure had a feeling this had something to do with him.

Upon that, Kuroro hoisted himself up, hand pinching his collar together. It bothered Kurapika in the way he couldn't put his finger on.

"Did I black out?" Kurapika asked, his voice back on balance again.

Another long, pondering look from Kuroro came before he said with a slight smile: "Sort of."

There were times when Kurapika caught on Kuroro's hidden uncertainty under that firm voice. This was one of such. He raised another matter, "And you carried me to your bed?"

"Couldn't resist the chance," Kuroro said, smiling as bright as the morning sun.

_That damn alter ego of his!_ It drew suspicion from Kurapika. He mustered an interrogative glare. In his own way, he could see right through that the man was hiding something. He pressed on, "What took so long to wake up? You always wake before me and respond to my first call."

Kuroro rolled himself out of the bed and stretched, his back to Kurapika. Lifting an arm, he rotated it back and forth. "Can't you see? …I'm _exhausted_. You were quite something to handle last night."

Kurapika's frown deepened as he thought this over. He refused to believe the man was hinting at a dirty joke. _Did that mean… "_Have I done…something bad to you? I…I can't…" His head hung a bit low, Kurapika's hands crumpled the sheets on the bed. He couldn't sort it out: actual memory, nightmare, and reality. Which were which? All of them were slipping away from his remembrance.

That had Kuroro turn to look at him. He placed his hand on Kurapika's head, his face all but compassionate. "No, you don't have to worry about anything. We're here to look for your clan's eyes so let's focus on that." He messed up Kurapika's hair until he earned himself a weak glare from the boy, he chuckled and said, "It's your turn to take a shower first. Go."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alone in the bathroom, Kurapika studied himself in the mirror after his shower. The swelling under his eyes caught his attention- a tell-tale sign that he had cried. Yet, he passed it off as the lack of sleep, which he knew for a fact was true.

'_He's hiding something, but what?' _Kurapika knew that look and that kind of ambiguousness that was Kuroro. There were times the man left him in the dark…to protect him. He just knew it. _'And this memory lapse is not helping!'_

When he came out of the bathroom, Kuroro just returned into their room and swung the door shut behind him. Kurapika didn't give it much thought. He might have gone somewhere, probably to his comrades within the structure. The man gave him a small smile and went on into the bathroom.

With blank mind, Kurapika settled on the edge of his bed for quite a while before his eyes strayed off to the window. He recognized the figures in the far distant road that stretched out from their living quarters.

The other Spiders were leaving. All of them. _'Did he tell them to leave just now? Why?' _Kuroro's comrades had been adamant on sticking around them for months, worrying about their leader's life. Kurapika didn't have to think too long when Kuroro emerged from the bathroom. The question was delivered right away, "Why have your comrades left?"

Drying out his wet hair with a towel, Kuroro looked through the window to see the vague shadows of his comrades parting their ways. His eyes returned to Kurapika. "You know they only stayed to make sure you won't kill me, which they learned that it's not going to happen anytime soon." Something inside those words bothered Kurapika's _core_ as he listened on. "They have their own matters, and places to be. It's the rightful time for them to leave."

"Is that so?" Kurapika said, skeptical.

Kuroro sauntered to the boy's spot and bent down to level his eyes at the boy, "And don't you think we should have some _alone _time too? After that kiss, I'm sure they wouldn't want to be around us if we were to take our _next step."_

To Kuroro's surprise, his words failed to fluster Kurapika this time, or rather, Kurapika failed to respond to it. _Something _had happened and Kurapika couldn't get the gist of it. Kurapika observed Kuroro. Again, Kuroro's high collar seemed to be a bother much more than the man's banter.

Kuroro shifted back from Kurapika. He gazed outside the window again and trailed off, "Looks like it's going to be a good day for Melb." He turned to look at the boy. "Feel like going out?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ever since Kuroro began to help him with retrieving the eyes, Kurapika had been patient with him regarding the matter. There was no point in rushing. No matter what the sidetracks were, or the detours Kuroro led them to, Kurapika took it for granted that in the end, Kuroro would keep his word in getting back all the eyes.

_Was he turning into a spoiled brat?_ Well…blame it all on Kuroro.

This time, the man said they'd better get the eyes during nightfall. They had the rest of the day to spend. After having a decent brunch, they decided to stroll into the restful ambience of the forest where Kurapika had taken a refuge from Kuroro before. Neither of them mentioned anything about the happenings in the previous day.

In the shade of an age-old tree, they settled down on the area less affected by the rain from the night before. Kuroro provided books for both of them. The activity was habitual. One of the things they liked in common - read the day away.

Two hours later, Kuroro leant back against the grass to close his weary eyes for a moment. The breeze and the sound of leaves swaying put a smile on his face. Kurapika observed him. He knew that smile. The one that shown from contentment of enjoying a moment's rest.

As if he had been through something rough recently.

It took a while for Kurapika to make sure the man was napping. Taking care to be quiet, he reached out to Kuroro's collar.

This bothersome, itch-like sensation he'd been having all day has got to stop.

His hand was caught in one paler than his own. The owner drew his eyes opened and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing?" Kurapika responded with uncertainty.

"You're attempting to harass me in my sleep?" Kuroro smirked, bringing Kurapika's hand away from where it intended to reach for.

Since morning, Kurapika understood now. He must have thought Kurapika would back out from him out of embarrassment like he did every other time. All these banter and teasing Kuroro had been playing him was to keep a distance between them. _And why was that so, when what Kuroro did all along was trying to reduce the distance between them to zero?_

"Not this time," Kurapika mumbled as he leant over Kuroro's supine form.

"Eh?" Kuroro only had the time to utter at the unexpected reaction. He saw Kurapika's another hand moving towards him, he caught that one too.

The expression that flitted across Kuroro's face had Kurapika amused for the first time. _That look of the deer caught in the headlights. _Had Kurapika's mind been not occupied with Kuroro's collar, he would have taken time to drag this matter out. But now was not the time. His two hands captured, yet unrelenting, Kurapika leaned forward even more. His face hovered inches away from the man's. "What are you hiding?"

"Nothing?" Kuroro returned Kurapika's words. His act had always paid off when it came to feigning the lack of knowledge. Even some of his comrades couldn't tell. It seems like Kurapika had learned to see right through it. _'Not good.' _He'd have to try a different approach. Dropping his gleeful gesture, he adorned a smirk. "Since morning you've been acting impulsive-like. You keep staring at me, and now this?" Kuroro shifted his hands that were holding Kurapika's in his to emphasize the proximity they were in. "Are you sure you're not trying to molest me? Or are you just trying to _tempt _me?"

A look of embarrassment settled on Kurapika's face. The boy began to retreat slowly. He demanded: "You can let go of my hands now."

The look on Kurapika's face was sincere enough that it had Kuroro slacken his fingers around the boy's. When Kurapika drew back, he relaxed once again.

That was where he was wrong.

A faint rattling of chains was all Kuroro needed for his senses to kick in. But his awareness came a second too late. His hands were already wrapped up by those invisible chains. Kurapika's right hand shoved the restrained limbs, while the other lunged for its intended target – Kuroro's collar.

'_Damn!'_ he didn't expect Kurapika would resort to using his Chain Jail. _When did he learn to act, and trick him into believing he was flustered anyway!? _

The sudden loss of all color from Kurapika's face, and the stiffened posture that followed, made Kuroro's chest tighten. The boy then went still. Like the night before, Kuroro could do nothing with his movement restricted. He all but fixed his eyes on Kurapika.

A minute rolled by where Kurapika's chains began to slip. With a pull from Kuroro's emphasized the freedom of his hands, the boy leaned back, his face blank. His mind, however, was completely opposite.

The faint marks around Kuroro's neck brought back the happenings of the night prior. The strangulation…his attempt to kill the Spider leader.

There went his last effort to keep this away from Kurapika. It had to come to this, sooner or later. _What was he thinking anyway, trying to keep Kurapika from this?_ _'Okay, what now?' _Kuroro hoisted himself up with a long sigh escaping his lips. Kurapika's blank face was exhibiting that identical to the last night. He gave the boy a tolerant smile. "Don't give me that look."

"I…was going to kill you."

It wasn't a question. Hence, Kuroro nodded. "You _attempted_ to, or I believe so at least. But I'm still here... to which the reason is beyond me." Then his voice became tight. "Mind enlightening me on the reason why?"

Kurapika dropped his gaze. His posture slouched over and hands fell to the side. He remembered everything now.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

xxx

x

After he had a conversation with Gon and Killua over the phone, he gave Leorio a call while walking back to his living quarters in the rain. He straightened his arm, leaving a large gap between him and the phone.

"Where the HECK are you, KURAPIKA!? Why don't you pick up the damn phone!? No, wait. Why did you hang up on me and NEVER friggin' call back!?"

A short silence followed. Kurapika brought the phone to his ears; he could hear the faint sound of heavy breathing and huffing on the end of the line. A twinge of guilt pricked him. Of all the men he knew for hot blooded tempers, Leorio was the one whose anger, ever so often, concealed the intense concern for his friends. And Kurapika had to shut him out like that.

"I'm sorry."

The heartfelt, apologetic tone Kurapika said with was all it took for the man to mellow down. Leorio cleared his throat once and asked. "You still with him?"

"Yes, but not right now though," Kurapika responded and added on before the man's inevitable question: "He's been treating me…well. So don't worry."

"I hope you're true to the words you're speaking. If not, and you're keeping what troubles you _from us-" _Leorio's voice became low, serious. "-I'm going to make you regret it dearly."

To his surprise, as much as it surely did with Leorio, he chuckled. This amount of care he received from his friend warmed him up to the core in such chilly weather. It dispelled his personal dark clouds and lightened his mood up so quickly that a small laughter of relief escaped his lips.

"Hey, I'm serious," Leorio grouched.

"Truth be told, there is one thing that's bothering me," Kurapika admitted. He didn't share this with Gon and Killua. Despite them being physically and mentally strong, so much more from the average kids, they were still at tender ages. Besides, Kurapika had a distinct feeling that their experience in NGL was far from pleasant discoveries. The inside edge from the other Spiders specified that the place had literally became hell. Being the way they were, the boys must have involved themselves in it to help the situation out, at the cost of god knows what. Leorio was the only one he could confide this in.

"Tell me about it," The man coaxed, his voice concerned.

Kurapika recounted the nightmare to him, down to details. How it affected him…as well as Kuroro and their current troublesome relationship altogether.

His friend took time for this to digest.

Then he remarked, "It's all in your head. I don't think your clan would haunt you to kill him, especially seeing as how the way things are now. Don't get me wrong though. Not that I'm _overjoyed_ to see you _with_ him, but the way I see it." He paused, a frustrated groan escaping him. "…ah well, you know."

Leorio's words were like a slap to his face. Kurapika's first emotional reflex was anger. _'How could you say that!?' He doesn't know a thing about the Kuruta except from what Kurapika had told him. What made Leorio think that his clan would want something else other than revenge?_

"Because you're hurting," was Leorio's answer had Kurapika taken aback. He hadn't even realised that the question was made out aloud.

Leorio's voice lace with compassion. "Of course, I don't know your people as good as you. And I know you're sick of people saying shit about _'revenge won't bring back your people, yadda, yadda.' _If I were you, I'd share your sentiment, for crying out loud. That allowing those murderers to live won't bring them back either."

Kurapika nodded to the phone. He remained quiet as he knew the other hadn't quite finished.

"I might not understand with my heart about how you feel because I'm not in your position. You're the last of your kind. But you _wouldn't_ understand us, who have to watch how you go on raging in the world on your own." Leorio paused, seemingly thinking. Then he said, "You know my dead friend came in a form of hallucination too - a product of my own guilt. It did no good. But I learned that he wanted me to move on. Gon, Killua, and I now feel the same way about you and him. I think…if your clan are the ones that love and care for you, they'd most likely share our standpoint."

To Leorio's surprise, there was no dire comeback after he was done. Kurapika must have been _really_ lost in this. He took even longer time than Leorio to absorb his advice. Then he simplified Leorio's point, "You want me to stop this payback."

"That's what I'm rooting for. But in the end, it's your decision to make. Whatever you'll do, I hope the outcome is _regret-free._"

Another long lap of silence, except the sound of the rain, ensued.

"We'll see about that," Kurapika said. He'd need to line up his thoughts and think it through. "I…I'll call you tomorrow."

"You better! If not, then at least pick up the damn phone when I call…or the very least, call back sometime later!" Leorio was back to his grouchy mode when it came to this matter.

Kurapika couldn't help but chuckle at that comical face of Leorio evident even on the phone. "Okay. I will."

"Hey...and-"

"Eh?"

"Is it raining over there?"

"It is."

"_Take care_ of yourself, Kurapika."

Leorio said with such emphasis that put another smile on Kurapika's face.

"I will," Kurapika closed his eyes, savouring the moment. "And good luck with your studies too."

When the line went dead, Kurapika closed his eyes. He had already gotten the answer. '_Disregarding everything, for what I want most?' _

An image of Kuroro flashed with bittersweet clarity across his mind. Then it was overshadowed by the one with landscape of corpses without eyes.

…

'…_I'm sorry, Leorio, Gon, Killua…I have…to do this.' _

This last life of the Kuruta clan wasn't for his own want. It was for what his clan wanted. He'd have to refuse Leorio's theory, reason, feelings, or whatever that was. When he closed his eyes, he still heard his people's cries. Never would he ignore them or rule them out as his figment of imagination.

His feelings, or whatever it was called, for Kuroro had become a hindrance. It had interfered with his vengeance so many times. He knew what he had to do for this final one. He stopped and raised his hand, summoning his Chain Jail.

So far, he hadn't touched upon this side of his ability yet. First attempt was going to be on himself. He allowed his eyes to glow red, in order to access his Specialist nen type.

_Manipulation. _

_This to engage his mind and work his body. _This way, his feelings wouldn't interfere with his decision since it'd already be set in stone.

"I'll go back to him. When we fell asleep, my Chain Jail will limit his movement and I _will_ kill him…a slow, painful death." His heart ache as he stated the condition out loud but he ignored his own pain.

His nen master had filled him in about manipulating oneself. Even the profession of this nen type lost the grip of themselves during the times of being manipulated. Not to mention the common side effect of amnesia and inevitable ache that followed.

This would be the last time he'd see Kuroro…alive. He'd make sure of that. Kuroro's defense would fall whenever he was around him, which would make things even easier for him. A crooked smile ghosted Kurapika's lips. _Arrogant bastard, you'll pay for it._ What about his comrades within the structure?…They wouldn't know, if he cut off Kuroro's voice. The thought of strangulation crossed his mind.

What was more important than the way to kill the man, was how their last time together was going to be. Upon that thought, Kurapika added to the statement, "For the last time, I'll be honest with my feelings to him." _'I do hope as well that I'll still be me, not the manipulating self. I want to remember my last moment with him…but that…isn't important.' _

To his wish, more than half of his conscious remained intact. But telling them apart wasn't his concern. For this last attempt, he set out under the gloomy sky that reflected his mood in perfect sense.

The rain streaked down his face. If he were crying, he wouldn't know.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

A whole unspoken discussion passed between them.

"I…failed," Kurapika said under his breath, his eyes gone blank. "I failed them…my people."

"You didn't. You just ended up not doing it," Kuroro clapped a hand to the boy's shoulder. He had yet to grasp the whole situation. But Kurapika's depression was not something he'd look forward to.

As strange as it was, Kuroro's words solved this riddle to his failure.

His Chain Jail was a product of his anger and hatred, reserved solely for Genei Ryodan. So far it reflected his thirst to hunt them down. It did its job in killing two of them although at the cost of their deaths directing that most awful sensation to his heart and mind.

It was his own. But in the ultimate end it didn't want to kill Kuroro.

His chest tightened. _How could he fail or simply not do the last thing he could do for his people? _At that thought, two hands reached for his. He looked on as Kuroro proceeded to bring his hands up to place his palms around his throat. Kurapika's eyes widened, the memory of last night resurfaced.

"If you_ still_ want my life, do it," Kuroro said with a smile he always reserved only for Kurapika.

Every fiber of Kurapika's being hurt. Even more so with that look on the man's face, calm…and _willing._

"Wha…what the hell, Kuro-?" he gasped when the man plunged himself backward, dragging him along. Kurapika ended up half straddling Kuroro, almost like the previous night. The reliving of this situation sent chills down his spine. Kurapika stared into those unwavering eyes as they closed for a moment. When they opened again, Kuroro said the thing that Kurapika had once thought would be delighting, but now it gave way to horror.

"Take my eyes should you want them. You can make them the offerings to your clan's spirits."

Kurapika's mind reeled. His manipulating himself under the condition of his own Chain Jail was his last result. Then again, Chain Jail was _his _weapon, it was not going to do what his heart didn't want. He wouldn't be able to kill Kuroro.

How could he face his clan…whether it'd be sooner or later?

_His clan? What would his people say?_

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

xxx

x

He felt he was moving as though in a dream, in a world that lost its reality. Not long after his floating in no direction, his prone body settled on the cool grass. He couldn't see, nor could he move. The rest of his senses told him he was in Rukuso Forest. The smell of the greens, the sound of birdsongs, the earth beneath his body.

"Kurapika."

Despite the sense of distraught he'd been weighted down by some times earlier, now that had past. He was at peace now or just too weary to care. He could think straight. He heard that voice before.

'_No way…M…Mother?' _

His voice trembled. All he saw was darkness, he tried to force his heavy eyelids open. He tried to move his body but they didn't respond, as if the body wasn't his own.

"It's okay. You're exhausted. Don't force yourself."

'_But…'_

"No buts!"

The demanding voice that was his mother's brought him back to the time when he was still a kid. He missed it so much. A gentle hand lifted his head up from the grass and settled it down on her lap. His sorrow soothed. He was beginning to relax under the touch of his mother when she stroked his hair.

"You've done well."

His whole body tensed. He couldn't recall._ Did he kill him already?_

"You haven't killed him, if that's what you fear."

'…_I haven't?...I….I'll-'_ Before Kurapika could say anymore, his mother cut in.

"-which is a relief to you, yes? And to us as well."

'_Eh?' _

"We want you to _stop_ pursuing this revenge. We've been trying to reach you, Kurapika. _Always. _But your blind rage kept blocking us out."

'_What…what do you mean…stop? I hear…voices and the cries for revenge.'_

"At first, yes. Their brutal act carved in our souls with all the hatred and resentment in the world. We cried. You heard us. We didn't mean to deposit all this burden on you but you took it on anyway."

'_But…why?' _He was confused, he had no idea what his mother was getting at.

"You're _hurting…_so much that it affects all of us." The mother's voice became soft, compassionate, and above all, sad."

'_I…I don't care, as long as-'_

"No, you should care. Even _he _cares for you, going to that extent to keep you safe. You should value yourself and feelings more than this."

'_He is the one that led to our clan's downfall!' _Kurapika retorted, disbelieving that his mother had just referred to her murderer in such way.

"What's done is done, Kurapika. If there's one thing we learn, as the lesson after lives, is that the more we hold onto this grudge and hatred, the more we are chained down by our own sufferings. That applies to you, the living too. You see, we are all connected. Our hurt affected you, and you us."

Kurapika went quiet. His mother continued on.

"We _hear _you cry, Kurapika. All along. It gets bad, and worsens every time you…take someone's life." The last three words were softly spoken. She knew it would hurt him but she needed to straighten this out. "We want your crying to stop as much as you want ours to cease."

Her words were hard to swallow, but Kurapika decided against his will to retort. She hadn't finished, so he'd keep listening.

"And you won't stop…crying and pursuing revenge. You even developed hallucinations that we haunted you to kill him."

Kurapika gasped, _'Hallucinations?'_

"Those nightmares you've had recently…about us crying for vengeance…they were all in your head, Kurapika. Because we have stopped crying since times ago. That was when you and him took a turning point. Like you, we hated the Genei Ryodan but we are not blind, even without our eyes now. What he came to feel for you, and you for him."

Kurapika startled. His dumb-founded state was shot-lived when his mother giggled. He'd missed her voice.

"That's when we wanted this whole revenge charade to be over. Things have _changed_. We no longer dwell on the past and it's time for you to change this whole agenda as well."

'_But…but…I,'_ Kurapika faltered. He understood every word of his mother's. _But how could he do that?_ All this hatred he accumulated for so long that it was deep-rooted to his core. _Without this hatred for the Spiders, he'd feel empty, he'd be hollow. _

"Are you sure you harbour _only_ hatred in your heart?"

The question was so blunt to Kurapika. _Was his mother hinting that he had another feeling?_

He responded to her, _'I'm not even sure what and how exactly I…feel towards him.'_

"You just can't admit your feelings for him, am I right?"

'…_Even if it's…the way you think…it's just…wrong.'_

"According to whom? Let me tell you that it's not us." When Kurapika said nothing, her voice went softer. "Kurapika, do you know why we can't reach you earlier? Why we stopped you at that very last moment?"

'_No, mother.' _He had been wondering about that for a while.

"Your blind rage blocked us out from reaching out to you. But when you were about to take his life, there was a part of you…no…almost a whole part of you that didn't want that, which let down your blockage wall of hatred. We channelled to you through that passage. And do you remember what happened after that?"

He gave it a thought to search his mental file. _'I…tried to kill him anyway.'_

"And ended up not doing it."

'…'

"Because in the end you don't want it that way, which should be a reason good enough for you to think about how you really feel for him."

It took Kurapika a while for him to grasp a hold of this. His mother was in his head. No use in lying; she'd know. _'My feelings for him, if there is any…is not important-'_

His mother scoffed at him. "Stubborn as always." Her voice dropped to a sullen tone, finalizing. "You're tired, and so are we. We want to be free of our own vengeful souls."

"Mother?" He called, feeling her lap shifting beneath his head.

"You have to _let it go_. You have to let us _go_."

Came the words that Kurapika had dreaded coming the most. Or so he _thought. _What did it all mean? He felt his eyes burned hot, tears swelling up against his will.

"Remember what I told you that very last time?"

He gave a moment, sorting through his memories of that fateful day and said aloud, "Live on."

"Yes, good boy. You're the last one. We want you to live your life the way you want to. _For us_." She placed her hands on his face while her other hand gently lifted his head off of her lap.

Back to the earth beneath him, Kurapika still couldn't move nor see. And she was leaving already.

'_Wait, mother!'_

A hand larger than he felt from his mother clapped on his shoulder, and another voice he was well familiar with spoke, "Be strong, Kurapika."

'_Father?' _

"It's okay. We'll always be with you."

He was seeing without seeing. They were there, surrounding him. All of his clansmen, watching him, smiling at him for this seemingly last good-bye.

"Kurapika," a small, calm voice called out.

A lone tear fell down Kurapika's cheek. He responded, _'Pairo.'_

His best friend smiled at him, the exact one he had smiled him goodbye six years ago.

"I'll put off asking you the question. But when we see each other again…on the other side, I'll ask you. The same question. You still remember it, right?"

'_Of course!' _Kurapika hastened to answer to his friend. He wanted to see them… to get up, to his parents, to his friend, but his body still betrayed him. All of the sudden, regret filled him. Every dream, adventure, and the togetherness they promised to each other…all gone. _'Pairo, I'm sorry…I-"_

"Hey, stop it! Have you not get what your mother said already? _No one_ blames you for surviving. Besides, you've saved us." Kurapika felt a presence kneel down next to him. The hand so small brushed away his tears.

He was a little lost. _He saved them? How?_

"Later then, Kurapika," Pairo said before he added in a voice that was fading, "Oh, one more thing. I've met and talked to _them_."

'_Who?' _Even Kurapika's voice was fading from himself.

"They're not that bad."

'_Wait…what do you mean?' _

Just like that, all voices -including his own- faded.

Darkness took over but they were no longer cold.

xxx

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xxx

Kurapika felt himself lying on the grassland. Not Rukuso forest, he could tell. Yet equally tranquil. Feeling he had enough strength, he tried to open his eyes this time.

The first thing he saw was the warm evening sky, the colour mixed with violet and orange. He laid there for a while, taking in the sight of the clouds shifting through the sky. The tall, beige-colloured grass about him swayed in the wind. Somewhere in the far distance, he heard a melody, much like the one Senritsu played for him to calm his frayed nerves.

He hoisted himself up, his eyes roamed over the surroundings. A vast grass field as far as he could see. With no one, but himself. He walked a slight distance to look about, then his eyes lowered to the ground with slight a distraught feeling. He'd feel bad about having good-bye to his clan. Then again, he felt lighter now. Still… "They're gone."

"Not likely." A woman's voice came from behind him.

Kurapika glanced back; he remembered that voice well. Meters away, stood a blond woman. Pakunoda. Whether it was because of the tranquil surroundings or the lack of ill-intent from her, Kurapika saw no need to even feel the slightest agitation about it. He couldn't help the mere thought that crossed his mind though, _'So she still haunts me.' _

"How rude. I don't recall ever haunting you before," She spoke in a calm voice, her bland expression gave way to a bit of being offended. She pointed somewhere behind her. Kurapika could make out a faint figure of that first human he'd killed. Pakunoda added, "So does Ubogin."

Kurapika lifted his eyebrows, followed by a frown. "Eh?"

Pakunoda exhaled in a boredom manner. "You heard me. Danchou keeps telling you that as well."

"If that's the case, then…" He hesitated, but asked anyway, "Why are you here? In my head?"

For the first time, she smiled to him. "I was worried about Danchou before. Now I don't see the reason to. I came to give you my last words."

Kurapika's frown deepened. "…And that is?"

"I'll leave him to you." Was all she said as she turned his back to him and started walking away.

Taken aback by her words but remained unruffled, he just watched her leave with Ubogin. The large man turned to give him a brief, fierce grin. That too, had no ill intent that Kurapika could feel.

When they were out of sight, Kurapika reflected, _'They've never haunted me?' _Kuroro had told him that all the times that none of them was haunting him. Spiders haunted no one when they died. It was normal for their profession to be hated and taken down. It was hard to believe though._ All these because he'd gotten caught up in the vicious cycle of guilt? For real?_

With all these ghosts enlightening him, he felt baffled, plain weird, and even awkward. But among all those feelings, he felt lighter. When he thought about it, he was not even sure if this was not another of his hallucination or figment of his imagination. Hell, he could even be deluding himself for all this letting go to make himself feel better.

Still, there was a fact that he never had that defence mechanism of denying the truth since six years ago; the worst episode of his life. He wouldn't be having it now.

"This is real." He was well too accustomed to all those feelings he had when he was with the spirits of his clan a moment ago, even though it had been such a long time.

Looking overhead to the sky, he saw it began to change colour. Cloudy, not before long, first raindrops begin to fall. All around him, there were no trees or anywhere he could shelter from it. He let himself diving backward on the wet grass. Not point of hiding. Closing his eyes, he listened to the beautiful melody still floating in the air. The rain pitter patter against his skin.

He loved the rain, but it was turning into a downpour beating down on him with chills too cold for his liking. He tried to will the cold away but to no avail.

Thoughts crossed his mind. The last time he felt so cold, there was_ someone_ holding him.

A sudden warmth enveloped him. When he opened his eyes, he found himself in the arms of the man, where he at times felt was the safest place in the world.

The arms of Kuroro Lucifer.

The man was sleeping soundly through all the rumbles from the rain and storm outside their room. Kurapika's eyes burned again as tears started to well up but he forced them back. He'd been crying too much already.

_He almost strangled him to dead and the bastard still had the nerve to wrap his arms around him…_

'_Let it go,'_

'_Live on and be happy.'_

x

xxx

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Kurapika."

A firm voice brought him back to where he should be. The memories were chased back to where they belonged.

Said boy felt his cheeks…wet again. From Kuroro, who was still under him, his eyes drifted skyward. No rain.

A hand brushed his cheeks brought his attention back to its owner. All the worries and concerns clouding Kuroro's face were too much that they forced Kurapika to shift back.

He was crying, wasn't he?

'_No…not again. Not…in front of him!' _His mind screamed. _'Stop!'_

He drew his hands back from Kuroro's throat to cover his eyes, keeping the tears held up. Kuroro had been and still was the last person on earth that he was supposed to be showing this side of him to. Kurapika cursed inward that the damned tears wouldn't stop. He leapt to his feet, with every intention to be as far away from the man as possible.

Kuroro followed.

The trunk of the large tree that they had taken shelter under its canopy was as far as he managed to go before a hand snagged his. Kuroro steered him back to face him. But Kurapika refused to be looked at, his other hand pressed to his face in vain to hide the endless tears.

"Kurapika," Kuroro called again as he tightened his hands on Kurapika when the other tried to shake his hand off. He had felt _nothing_ the first time he saw the boy cried in his sleep. This time was the complete opposite.

"I…I want to be alone," Kurapika requested after a failed attempt to wriggle his hand free. Kuroro would understand his much-needed personal space. If he asked, Kuroro would let him go like every other time.

"No."

"…!?" Out of pure shock from this first refusal, Kurapika forgotten about the tears on his face. His hands uncovered his eyes that had turned red, and he stared at Kuroro in disbelief.

"Not when you're crying," Kuroro declined. His voice, as firm as his hands on Kurapika's. He had yet to understand what brought about such amount of tears. _Was it guilt? Was it something about his clan?_ Mostly likely both. Whatever it was, he couldn't let the boy go. He set one foot further to close the gap between them. Kurapika backed away at the distance he was allowed with his one hand bound in his tight grip.

"Don't…" Kurapika demanded through a broken voice. He hid his face under his bangs, "I…I won't be able to look at you without wishing that I should kill you. You know…_this_ will come back again. Why don't you…save yourself a trouble…"

A deep frown etched on Kuroro's face. He knew what Kurapika was getting at. It irked him to the core. _Seriously? Did Kurapika think parting ways would save him a trouble? What about him finding what he had searched for all along? _He exhaled audibly with closed eyes and bit out a snide remark. "Like I don't know that? I hope you're just rambling this nonsense because of your troubled mind." His other hand eventually found way to Kurapika's face, forcing the boy to look at him. "Whatever comes around, I won't give up on you. _Ever._"

True, he was just rambling senselessly. His heart should have known Kuroro would never walk away. How Kuroro's words left him barely able to think, much less fight back. After all the failed attempt to run, Kurapika eventually resulted to a weak plea. "Don't…look,"

Understanding the boy dreaded him seeing his tears that much, Kuroro yanked him into his chest. One hand wrapped around the boy's waist, and the other ran through the blond hair.

Horror-stricken at this further unexpected gesture and how his body was responding to the warm touch, Kurapika squirmed although his strength was wearing out. Relentless, Kuroro buried his chin on the boy's head and whispered, "I _don't_ see anything."

Just like that, the will to fight to get away from his arms faded before eventually ceasing, leaving only the fierce trembles in its wake.

Then Kurapika broke into tears even harder.

Kuroro felt a grip at his sides. When he peered down, the boy's hands were clutching on the fabric of his shirt, as if he was almost holding Kuroro back. The need to lean on someone obvious when cornered by his own emotional pain, and Kuroro was glad the boy did that with him.

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**Note: **I know it might not be ideal for Kuroro urging Kurapika to kill him for the second time. Some of you have raised very convincing points that Kuroro shouldn't leave Kurapika behind alone. Yes, but this is my original idea since from 3 years ago. Geez, I'm such a stubborn old hag to change XP. I'll have my back up points on that later.

I hope this chapter makes up for the last one that was getting no where, yes? ^^" LOL, I wasn't aware of that slow, slow going around and around in the last chapter. So thanks for pointing that out for me. Hmm, so this is what I've got: tunnel vision?

Anyhow, let me know what you think. I'd rather hear, even if it were critics and loopholes in this, than not hearing at all. Thanks!


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